The World Of Dating: How to Do It Safely & Respectfully – Vol. 375, August 18, 2016

Being a health care professional, I realize the necessity of having intimate relationships to live a healthy life. I tell my clients often that we humans are like ants and bees in that we need social connection to have a sense of belonging.

A relationship needs intimacy, both emotional and physical or the relationship will die.

One can’t have true physical intimacy without the emotional intimacy and vice versa.

This is the problem; usually one type of intimacy is more important to one mate then the other. Over time this creates a problem for the unfulfilled partner. Unfortunately there are many times when the relationship has ended without the partners really knowing why, never having talked about the lack of intimacy. Humans need intimacy in the forms of hugs, kisses, cuddles, and they also need to know that what they feel, think and are matters and is respected as well by their partners as well.

I also realize the importance of letting go of an old relationship. It can have its difficulties, especially if it was a long term relationship. However, it is important to allow time to pass, to heal, to get in touch with one’s self before moving on to the next relationship.

Over the past few years, I have been in the world of dating. Well, on and off anyway. Sometimes one can meet people in the greater world going to events or being introduced by a mutual friend, although most new relationships begin online. With that in mind, I am going to share with you some of the interesting things that I have learned as I navigate this world of online dating as a divorced woman in her mid 50’s.

Now, the thing that I love about Craigslist is that there aren’t a thousand and one questions to be answered and you can write as much as you desire in your personal ad.

The negative thing about Craigslist is that anyone can flag your posting for removal, which means one is going to have to repost the ad, if this happens. I think of it along the lines of people who have to create problems like hacking emails or sending computer viruses to destroy someone else’s communication. It’s evident that they have lots of anger and pain and chose this way of releasing it. Luckily its rather easy to repost a Craigslisting ad.

So, I have been running an ad for a while – a few different versions of it, which has a ton of questions. I added to the last rendition why these things matter in my view. The questions were meant to be rhetorical to get the reader to ponder whether or not he is a fit for me, rather then expecting answers to the questions as posed. In a few cases men did indeed answer each and every question. Now, the thing that you need to understand about the questions is that they were based on the specific issues that have come up in my dating experience. So, being a person without the baggage of children of her own and having amicably divorced her ex, I am only interested in men who don’t have any children relying on their care or angry feelings towards ex’s.

Other questions went more into the type of character they have based on what they are doing with their lives and whether they give back to the larger world in some way. I want to know how much alcohol they drink, if they watch television, if they are into sports ,etc. Because, I want to find the men who are interested in making the world better for having been here and men that are on the more intellectual and artistic appreciation side of the equation. I want a man with heart and soul and someone who is healthy. I know you may think that I am asking a lot here, and I am. However, if we don’t put out what we desire, how is anyone gong to be able to respond? I think of it as a long form sales letter, to attract only the most qualified leads. Then we go onto a phone call and if that goes well, we meet. Hopefully, they live close enough to me that it is easy to meet. If not, they get to come at least half way, because I made it clear in the ad, that given the terrible traffic in Southern California, it really is difficult to date someone more than a half hour away without traffic. One could be looking at an hour plus drive depending on the time of day which would take a half hour without traffic.

Well, the results of my ads were very interesting. Though there were some for whom this sort of ad went right over their heads, making fun of the length of it, there were the few insightful 1.5% response to each run of the ad. When we communicated, they told me that they deeply appreciated a woman who knows herself, has set some boundaries from the start and has some intelligence. These are the men that I spoke with and went on to meet with a few of them.

I have to say that though I haven’t met Mr. Right yet, I have had some wonderful meetings with men doing some interesting things with their lives. One was a gentleman who at the age of 56 decided to go back and get a Ph.D. in psychology. We shared many similar views on the state of mental health and how to best heal it. I had a good time – put there wasn’t any big connection. My thought was that he could be a good friend, but that I leave on him. Because, I am never going to be running after a man. It is his job to pursue me, being a bit on the old fashioned side of things. I met another man who is a music producer today and he was interesting, but there was no “click” for me and he was grabbing at my body way too soon. I didn’t have that feeling for him and feel that it takes time to go down that road.

I met a very young 85 year old who has very socially liberal views on things, and is working on his next entrepreneurial venture. He was very interesting and entertaining to talk with, and I am glad we met, but I don’t see us meeting again.

I put up a “pubic service” ad, sick of responses that grossed me out with the heading, “Any Men Want Women to Respond ?” I really didn’t post that ad to get any responses, it was really just to educate the men – especially those that were disappointed with the lack of “real” woman who answered their ads. I had heard from so many men that the lack of responses to their ads was upsetting to them. So, I explained at least those things that are turnoffs to me, like dick pics, men in bars drinking, speaking only about what they want, without anything to do with a real response to what the woman’s whose ad they responded mentioned. Many cut and past their same answers to whatever ad they respond to, some with their facial head shots, so I told them to stop doing this if they wanted a more responsible woman to reply.

I had one guy who was smart enough to ask for some more help so he could attract some real women to his ad. So, I typed up the things that should be included in their ads and responses to let the women know that he was real and cared enough to take the time to make his response relevant to her posting. I took that response and made that into an ad that asks, “Any Men Out There that Want Women to Respond – Part 2” again just to help those who are truly looking for someone special to fulfill their desires.  I only have had one response so far, it being a new ad, and it taking Craigslist an hour of more to post it. It was from a gentleman who said he enjoyed reading the ad, and then wrote a paragraph telling me a little about who he is, what he enjoys doing and what he is specifically looking for. He didn’t leave a name and that is okay for the first email response. It was exactly what I was working to get the men on Craigslist to do to get better more responses from females they may be interested in meeting. .

So, it is possible to get a much better quality of people answering your ad, or looking at your response, and find some interesting people. It takes time to find “the one.” But,  wouldn’t you prefer to have some interesting and fun dates then be bored, or overwhelmed with inappropriate behavior on your date?

When meeting strangers, meet in a public place, and be certain of what you are willing to do and that which you aren’t willing to do. I was willing to meet the 85 year old at his place, but I wasn’t willing to go to the beach with the guy I met this afternoon. One was fun and playful, the other had a ton of anger and well, I needed to get this weblog written and scheduled today. It is a work day for me in any case, so I needed to get back here and finish the job.

Happy dating!!!