This was a question I received from a person on Quora and this is how I answered it: 

The one thing that I have learned is to stop sharing my personal heartaches and negative experiences with the family. They don’t even really know the person that they are commenting on but think they know the person better than you. It’s crazy-making because it is ludicrous.

So, this is what you do instead: You stop talking to these know-it-alls about your private stuff, and you get competent help to help you sort it out. It is not up to you to defend anything, and by having your family make such unsupportive comments, they are telling you that they are hopeless to understand. So, move on and forget about them. It isn’t their business anyway, is it? This is your life and as such, it is up to you to figure it out with someone who had the ability to guide you through it, in a supportive and constructive manner because that someone truly understands the personality of which you are speaking. Your relatives do not. So stop asking them to understand that which is out of the range of knowledge.

This was another great question from a person on Quora, and this is how I answered it: 

This was a question that a person on Quora asked. It is an important question based on the feedback that my clients have given me over the years. Here is how I answered it: 

This is a great question because my clients have told me that they are very glad that I do actually take notes during all my client sessions. Why? Because many therapists write their notes after the session, many times leaving many details out what is going on with their patients. At least my clients have told me that they were not sure that their therapist cared about their case because they never could remember what was said from one session to the next. This has a negative effect on the therapy because the trust is never there from the patient’s point of view with this lack of knowledge of their situation on the part of their therapist who is supposed to be the one person that they can tell anything to and have it respected and recalled at least from their point of view.

It is because of the copious notes that I know exactly where we are in the treatment plan and what new information has come up that needs to either be integrated into the work or ratified for successful implementation of the guidance given during the previous session. Both of these actions make it clear to my clients that I am on top of their situations which allows them to feel respected and cared for in the manner in which they want their health care provider to demonstrate.

I know for those who are licensed there is a thought process as to what is necessary to put into their patient’s charts based on the professional standards and what they would prefer to omit for the confidentiality of the client based on if the case ever goes to court where the notes will be part of the record.

I am unlicensed and really do not have the same issues because of that situation. I have no problem recording whatever I feel I need is required to make sure that I never omit anything that needs to be acted on knowing that I really do not have a memory to help me and further realizing that our memories are by their very nature less than perfect recorders of what actually occurred during any event that we may remember.

Thank you for this very important question. Because I really do not believe that most mental health professionals understand the importance of taking decent notes could mean for their patients’ trust in the care that they are receiving – or not.

Today we are going to speak about something that most people do not want to pay any attention to and that is ‘doing the hard thing.’

There are many areas in life when it is best to ‘do the hard thing’ even though every cell in your body is screaming for you to do anything. However, here are some reasons why it is more than worthwhile to do the hard things in life.

1. Taking a stand for someone who is incapable of ‘being heard’ maybe because they are mentally ill, and won’t be heard even by their so-called psychiatrist or psychologist. Unfortunately, once someone is given the stigma of a mental illness, their voice is no longer heard – I know because I lived through this bullshit even after I had no symptoms of any mental illness for a number of years.

2. Elders can easily be scared into handing over their money to anyone who will ‘take care of them’ even if it is a horrible living situation. I know because I had to rescue my mom from such situations twice before she died. All the elder wants to know is that they have a safe place to live and the basic necessities will be taken care of since the person is no longer able to do this for themselves.

3. Youth, who are being treated in an abusive manner. Too often there are predictors about the family (not necessarily the family of origin though that can certainly happen as well) abusing the young child – many times in sexually inappropriate ways even before the kid is old enough to understand what sex even is, never mind making a decision on his/her own to be involved. Older kids can be manipulated into it by older and much stronger adults as well even if they know it’s wrong, they don’t know how to stop it. Many would say tell your parents, and I can tell you that many of my clients did just that to be blamed for being victimized further emotionally damaging the victim in the process.

4. Taking risks to try something new because you know it’s scary to do new things. However, it is only when one goes outside the ‘comfort zone’ that one learns more about both the greater world and one’s self. Taking risks and failing also builds resiliency because you realize that you are still standing and can continue forward with a new idea.

5. Taking a stand for yourself and what you believe is most important – never by defending yourself to a bunch of ‘schmucks’ as my dad would refer to such people, but by holding firm in your beliefs and doing what you decided to do anyway. There are only two questions one has to ask oneself self if someone is giving you advice whether or not you asked for it: 1) Who is this person in my life? 2) Is this a person who I respect in regard to the situation at hand? If the answer is ‘no’ you keep quiet and move forward with your intended plan of action. Pay attention here: If you do not follow your own heart and soul, and listen to your own gut, you will never feel either any sort of confidence and worse never find true fulfillment in your life. It is never up to someone else to tell you what you should be doing or how – meaning what you put your life’s energy and emotions into – that is your choice and yours alone. Yes, we can most certainly seek guidance, just make sure that you find the correct guide for you. One who will allow you to do what you so choose and guide you to success in that pursuit – so someone who has successfully accomplished what you want to do. In NLP we call this ‘modeling excellence.’ In fact in Tad James’s NLP courses – that is the answer to the test question as to what NLP is so it is an important concept to understand as we make our way through life.

6. Take those scary opportunities to travel to new places, and advance in your career – because, one can easily turn that feeling of being scared into that of ‘excitement.’ It is just a matter of having the butterflies in your stomach fly in formation. Physiologically speaking both these emotions feel the same in the gut, so turn it from a negative label to a positive one, and you are set to go. This is in fact what the major sports and entertainment figures do every day to do their jobs as successfully as the successful ones do.

7. Fail fast: This was already brought up before, but it is so important that it deserves its own listing Look, how are you ever going to know what works and what doesn’t if you don’t give a thing a shot? You can’t and worse you are not allowing yourself to build self-confidence by learning what you can do and what you can overcome in the process as well as denying yourself this ability to be resilient in the face of adversity.

Learning: By doing ‘the hard thing’ you are building up your sense of self-integrity because you took a stand when you saw fit to help another being get treated correctly. Was it fun? Probably not. Was it worth it? Hell, yes every single time. By taking risks we learn what works and what doesn’t and in so doing we are able to build self-confidence and resiliency – both very important in being able to be a productive and happy person.

This was an excellent question that ought to be asked much more often by therapists. I have found in the many years of doing mental health work,  too many therapists hold on to clients sometimes for decades when they have no idea how to truly help them. Here is how I answered this question: 

This may be a shock to you, but your therapist is doing you the best favor ever! I wish many more would have the common sense to know when they have gone as far as they can with patients and refer them to someone who has a different manner of working, maybe a specialization in the patient’s issues instead of feeling frustrated by the ineffectiveness of the work they are doing with their patients. It takes a form of humility that is lacking in the field to be willing to do this most important service for those patients who could do more and better with someone with different training.

The other thing that you need to realize is that unless you have a mental illness that is incurable, meaning personality disorders or schizophrenia, it isn’t meant to be a life-long deal. One needs to learn how to function in life for one’s self for that is the purpose of therapy – not a co-dependent affair where one is incapable of living without the weekly sessions. This is a huge problem that I personally have with the 12-step programs. There is a difference between getting the support one needs to come through a difficult situation and quite another feeling that one is lost without the support. And, in terms of 12-step programs, I have helped 1,000s of clients over the last 20 years let go of all types of addictions for over a decade and a half so it is doable, but one needs the right tools and techniques along with having open space for the client to actually be able to move on from their addictions for good! This sadly isn’t the paradigm for addicts, but it needs to be because it is possible for them to let them go for good be it substance abuse, eating disorders, sex addiction, etc.

Thanks for your question. Thank you therapist for his humility and see who he may have to refer you to. Do a free consult with them over the phone to see if you ‘clique’ and if so set up an appointment. If not continue till you find someone who is worth your investing your time and emotions into getting to know well enough to trust and work well with. Good luck on your healing journey.

This was an interesting question and one that comes up too frequently with misdiagnosis between 2 mental illnesses that seem to be quite similar. However, there are very distinct differences between the two. Here is how I answered this person’s question: 

There are some very clear differences in the two diagnoses so let us take a gander and see what is really going on with you as mental health pros misdiagnose all the time.

Bipolar: One is going to have much longer periods between the moods they experience. A rapid cycle is considered 3 weeks – though many go months before going from one extreme to the other.

Borderline Personality Disorder: the moods are labile meaning that in a split second when triggered a person can go from happy to throwing things and cursing.

Both illnesses have a lot of anger involved – however, the BPD person will be enraged when they don’t get their way. It is a personality disorder which means the person though as intelligent as anyone is acting at the emotional age of a very young person – it is always about the ‘id’ wanting what it wants NOW and when it doesn’t get it, has a tantrum such as a 2-year-old would.

Both are master manipulators of themselves and others but go about it differently

Bipolar people will manipulate to get what they want usually by creating their fantastical ideas in business exaggerating what they can do and what they have to work with.

BPDs will manipulate to get the hole in their soul-filled usually through buying things they do not need, always asking for favors from others, and usually glomming on to one particular person more than anyone else – when that person does or says something that the BPD person finds hurtful, the BPD will drop them in a second and talk shit about them to the next person they glom onto. This is called ‘splitting’ between two people and is something that only BPDs do.

BPDs will self-harm – usually superficially while in a very depressed state.

Bipolars – 85% will self-medicate themselves with drugs – so while up they will take depressives, while down they will take amphetamines.

BPDs have a great fear of abandonment – they will do anything to stop others from abandoning even to the degree that they will abandon others before others have the chance to abandon them.

Bipolars do not have a fear of abandonment.

There are more differences between the 2 diagnoses, however, this gives you enough to better understand where you fall. DO NOTE THAT A PERSON CAN INDEED HAVE BOTH AT THE SAME TIME as we found out was true with my mother from the psychiatric staff at the nursing home where she lived the last 7 years of her life.

If you think you have BPD the best thing that you can do is to learn how to stop the impulses you have to be overly emotional, and instead use logic to make your decisions. It is also very helpful to just be more mindful of how you are coming across to others. It isn’t an easy thing to do at all, but it can be done if one wishes to stop pushing people away with what would be considered infantile behavior.

If you have Bipolar the best thing you can do is deal with feelings of unworthiness by figuring out what your best attributes are and owning them, dealing with your anger and your issues of sadness. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 back in 1990 and was lucky enough to turn it around so that it is no longer a part of my life on any level back in 2004. Unfortunately, those with personality disorders are unable to truly overcome them, however, if you do those things that I suggested above and maybe get some Dialectical Behavior Training by a person who specializes in working with BPDs, you will be able to gain much control over the almost instantaneous shifts in mood and learn how to reduce the impulses to act out to get your way if you are indeed a BPD.

Thank you for asking this question because these 2 diagnoses are mixed up all the time as are those with schizophrenia and with bipolar with psychotic features and many other types of diagnoses because the Diagnostic Statistical Manual has so many symptoms that overlap from one diagnosis to the next, especially in the 5th revision which basically notes that every normal human emotion receives its own diagnosis so the pharmaceutical companies can make even more money on their poison – NOTE: the only people that I believe ought to be placed on psychotropic medications are those who have psychotic features and at the most minimal dose to minimize their hallucinations. I have come to this conclusion after 30 years in the business both in conventional psychiatry and in complementary mental health in the form of hypnotism and neuro-linguistic programming (for 20 years now so plenty of time to have lots of case histories to prove the point that the mind is the best asset anyone has to make transformational change. However, I am unable to help those with psychotic features or those with personality disorders. Though I am able to help those with anxiety, major depression, bipolar, OCD, eating disorders, and sex addictions as I have been successfully doing this since 2002.

This was a great question that a person on Quora asked. Here is how I answered it: 

After working with all types of folks in mental health for about 30 years now here are the ways you can build your psychological resistance.

1. Take on new experiences especially if you find them a little scary. When you find you are able to do them, you will feel empowered.
2. Understand that when most people are acting out against you in some form, it usually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with where they are emotionally. Most times it is helpful to just validate how they are feeling and let them know that you hope that their day gets better – crack a joke and all of a sudden that grumpy person is sweet and smiling all so appreciative of your interaction.
3. There are going to be many times during your life when you may be challenged to see something from another perspective. Your job is to see it from that other perspective because you may find that even though the comment made may feel personal, it wasn’t personal, it was just another perspective. We need to understand that each of us has a right to our opinions, and sometimes when we stretch our thinking we may find that we actually agree with the other person’s viewpoint.
4. If someone close to you is angry and yelling at you, you need to find out why that person is angry – more often than not it had to do with something else that occurred during that person’s day, and you were targeted because you were closest at the time the anger exploded. So clarification of the situation is what is called for – and again empathy -validating the other’s feelings will allow you to escape an unnecessary argument.
5. Many times when one has had a tiring day, one may come home grumpy – if this is the case, acknowledge that. the other person is tired and tells them to relax for a bit. Again, the best way around so many of these situations is to understand them from the other person’s perspective and validate whatever is the main cause of the problem.
6. If you do something that is hurtful to someone else, come clean and apologize by letting the other person know that you did indeed do something that wasn’t in their interest, ask what you need to do to make it up to them, and then do your best to follow through on that, and let them know that you realize that it may take them a while to forgive you and you are okay with that – because that is a fact – different people take different amounts of time to forgive others.
7. Spend your time on this planet doing things that you enjoy and that bring joy and consideration to others – be kind and helpful and you will find that you will feel great about yourself because the folks you demonstrated this behavior too, will let you know how meaningful it was. to them which can only grow you as a person.

Use these ideas and my guess is that you will become psychologically resilient in very little time at all.