What to Do With Friends Wallowing in Self-Pity? – Val. 462, Aug. 9, 2018
A Quora member asked me this question. Unfortunately, there are people out there who do wallow in self-pity and want you, their friend, to make everything all right for them, even as they continue to complain and are unwilling to take any positive steps to help themselves. Here are the suggestions that I gave the questioner:
There are many reasons why a person may be dumping her life’s problems on you.
My suggestion is to tell her that if she is having this much difficulty leading her life, that she best find a professional who can help her out since you are not credentialed to do so.
The next thing you do is stop listening to her complaints. Let her know that she can talk to you about constructive things in her life, but you are unable to speak with her about her complaints.
Limit your time with her in person, on phone, and through technology. Just because a person reaches out to you, doesn’t mean you have to answer. Give yourself a mental health break!
There are some people with significant mental health issues that even the pros have difficulty helping. It’s important to know when you are over your head and let the person know.
As I wrote this answer for the Quoran, I was drifting back into my memory bank of a client of mine who had a friend who was an acupuncturist in the South, with a drug addiction problem that could have cost her, her license if the wrong people found out.
My client was very sympathetic to this friend of hers but was overwhelmed with all the issues that she was dealing with in her own life. She realized that she did not have the bandwidth or the professional knowledge to really help her friend out, by speaking on the phone, every time her friend was feeling depressed or needy.
During one of our sessions, I commended her on realizing that she was in over her head and to help her friend to get appropriate help. Because this is the thing: having great intentions of helpfulness is lovely until those intentions cause more harm due to not knowing what you don’t know.
I always counsel people that find themselves in these sorts of situations to pull back while helping to find the appropriate help, so long as the person is open to it. Unfortunately, sometimes the person with the troubles is unwilling to take positive action to rectify the situation. In that case, your best bet is to pull away, because one can only help those who want the help and being around people wallowing in self-pity will only pull you out of your life and drain your energy. Worse, over a long period of time, you may feel resentment toward this friend of yours, and that is something you want to avoid. My client did indeed help her friend find the help, so this story had a happy ending.
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About Suzanne
Suzanne Kellner-Zinck founded Dawning Visions Hypnosis in 2002, She has become an innovator in the use of hypnotism and neuro-linguistic programming in the areas of obsessive compulsive disorders such as: eating disorders, sexual addiction and substance abuse as well as working with those with anxiety and mood disorders.
Her clients have come to work with her from across the United States and as far away as Africa to help them to finally be freed from these emotional issues that once ruled their lives. Today she is in the process of bringing her work to many more in the form of ebooks and other downloadable formats.
She is a member of American Holistic Medical Association and the American College for Advancement in Medicine.
Prior to founding Dawning Visions Hypnosis, Kellner-Zinck worked within vendor programs for the mentally ill working to help them to live up to their fullest potential. Many of her previous clients were able to move out on their own and find fulfilling work.
Kellner-Zinck is a Certified Trainer of Hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic programing through Tad James Company, Inc. and a Master Hypnotist and Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming through Advanced Neuro Dynamics. She holds a bachelor’s degree in education and political studies from Curry College.
Dawning Visions Hypnosis is teaching people that they can indeed leave their unwanted behaviors behind as they move forward to living fulfilling and joy filled lives.