One of the most frustrating situations that I find myself in is when a parent is in distress their kid having major mental health problems causing all sorts of mayhem in the family, yet refuse to spend the money to get them the help they require.
I had this situation over the last couple of weeks with a mother who was overwhelmed with her 20-year-old son’s anorexia and the obsessive-compulsive behaviors that come with it. However, overwhelming his behavior is to her, she stated that she did not have the money to invest in his treatment.
While doing the Detailed Personal History with her son while his mother was present, the son was unable to recall any memories without her prompting him. He has a flat affect, meaning there was zero emotion in anything that he said, even those events that would have been very distressing in a person with normal emotional responses. He had shut down his emotions a long time ago. For him, all that mattered was to get what he wanted which was workout equipment so he could go back to his desire to drop fat and go for those wonderfully formed muscles he envisions as perfection for the male form. This is in fact what is called in the psych world “muscle dysphoria” and how males express their anorexia. No matter how large their muscles are or how great their 6-pack abs are, the anorexic male will not be able to see it, much as a female who has starved herself with only the skeletal form looking back at her in the mirror, she still perceives herself as fat, which is known as ‘body dysmorphia.’
I gave the mother the cost of a program that will run for 1 year given how stuck in this obsessive thinking and behavior or son is, the anorexia having progressed fairly far. He noted that he had never stopped his anorexic thinking or behavior much to the shock of his mother who thought he had stopped for a couple of years. Even so, her response was that she was overwhelmed with the bills to rehab the house she bought so that her son could have a gym set up given his obsession with the idea that this is all he needed to be happy and healthy again but this time he was going to drop the weight in a healthy manner instead of many pounds in a short amount of time as he did the last time he dropped a massive amount of weight. What his mom fails to understand is that if she gets the workout equipment her son will be back into the anorexic mode over working out stressing out his body to create a perfect male form that he will never acknowledge he attained given the muscle dysphoria.
One thing that I want to make clear is that during the taking of the Detailed Personal History she made it clear that her son really needed to get the help and begged him to move forward. Then after he did a piece of homework I gave him to help him figure out if this was the correct thing for him to do for himself, he answered that it was. So to have his mother beg him to get the help and then pull it out from under him was at the very least another emotional harm that he has suffered on top of a childhood of trauma full of losses starting when he was 4 years old. This was most likely the main reason he developed this illness in the first place. To find some method of feeling in control of his life.
Parents: You need to understand that so long as you are the legal guardian for your children, it is your responsibility to get whatever help they need in this life as they are unable to do it for themselves. To sit there and realize that there is a terrible situation going on as is indeed the case with any person who is suffering from anorexia, the #1 killer of kids between the ages of 12 and 24, the amount of money paid is negligible in the face of what will happen if the body of your child breaks down because of malnutrition, and could ultimately die. This is not being sensational in the least – it is a fact of how this illness progresses.
But, even if the son didn’t have an illness with such a high mortality rate, a child in distress deserves to receive the help to deal with whatever the underlying issues are that are causing them distress in that child.
I have had many teenagers on Quora (a forum where anyone can ask a question and then others answer them) in particular ask how they can go about asking their parents to get them a therapist, feeling that their parents will not take them seriously, or worse downplay the very negative thoughts and feelings that brought the kid to the understanding that they were in emotional difficulty and need help. I always advise them to be direct with their parents and explain what they are thinking and feeling that brought them to the conclusion that they could use therapy. However, there are those parents who don’t believe in it or don’t believe their kids are in that bad a situation where therapy is necessary.
Understand that if your child is telling you that they need therapy they aren’t doing so because they are happy with the situation. They are asking you for the help because they are feeling miserable and in the case of eating disorders are physically damaging their bodies with malnutrition and in many cases other forms of self-harm as well including purging food eaten which harms the esophagus, throat, and teeth from the acid in the stomach, cutting themselves with razors, using laxatives sometimes to the point where the anal sphincters no longer keep the fecal material inside the body, over-exercising which stresses out the body even more because of the lack of calories being eaten by the anorexic, etc. Many anorexics die of heart attacks from that stress and others die from infections their malnourished bodies are incapable of fighting off.
However, even a child who is feeling anxious all the time is running too much cortisol in their body and that is damaging as well, as the body can’t be in flight or fight mode without it causing other problems physical health problems.
If a child is depressed and lonely, well this accounts for many of the suicidal attempts in females as they are more likely to use less deadly ways such as taking many pills or superficially cutting themselves than males who will use a gun or hang themselves.
We, adults, need to be much more sensitive and understanding to the pain that our children are going through especially in this time of lockdowns, masks wearing which is not only uncomfortable but isolating as we can’t see the facial expressions of others and of course the fear of those graduating high school and college of ever being able to find a job that will pay enough to pay for living on their own. Our kids are in deep trouble these days, more so than adults because they have no control over their own lives not having the resources necessary.
So, do your best to be present with your child. Recognize if their habits have changed – sleeping more, or having insomnia as the negative thoughts and fears run through their brains. Eating much more or playing with the food instead of eating it. No longer do those things that they once loved to do. Isolating instead of spending time with their friends. Grades sliding in school. And, any signs that they are using drugs or alcohol to self-medicate their emotional problems. Our kids deserve that much from us as their guardians and protectors.
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About Suzanne
Suzanne Kellner-Zinck founded Dawning Visions Hypnosis in 2002, She has become an innovator in the use of hypnotism and neuro-linguistic programming in the areas of obsessive compulsive disorders such as: eating disorders, sexual addiction and substance abuse as well as working with those with anxiety and mood disorders.
Her clients have come to work with her from across the United States and as far away as Africa to help them to finally be freed from these emotional issues that once ruled their lives. Today she is in the process of bringing her work to many more in the form of ebooks and other downloadable formats.
She is a member of American Holistic Medical Association and the American College for Advancement in Medicine.
Prior to founding Dawning Visions Hypnosis, Kellner-Zinck worked within vendor programs for the mentally ill working to help them to live up to their fullest potential. Many of her previous clients were able to move out on their own and find fulfilling work.
Kellner-Zinck is a Certified Trainer of Hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic programing through Tad James Company, Inc. and a Master Hypnotist and Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming through Advanced Neuro Dynamics. She holds a bachelor’s degree in education and political studies from Curry College.
Dawning Visions Hypnosis is teaching people that they can indeed leave their unwanted behaviors behind as they move forward to living fulfilling and joy filled lives.