Vulnerability Vs. Perfection: How To Create Deep Friendships – Vol. 335, November 19, 2015
One of the main issues that my clients have is fear of being vulnerable. And, this is a huge problem because they find that though they may know a lot of people, none of those people really know who they are. Why? Because they are so busy trying to be what they feel that other person wants, they lose them self to the persona they have created. Why? Because they feel they have to be perfect.
Well, there is a huge problem with this whole idea of having to be perfect, because you really have no idea of how to be “perfect” in the eyes of another. Worse, when you go out of your way to be perfect, that other person has no idea what you are trying to do. You see, their concept of what constitutes “perfect” will most likely differ from yours.This leads many of these clients to become resentful with those who haven’t noticed all the great things they have done as a direct result of being “perfect,” at least in their own eyes.
There is another larger problem with this whole idea of being perfect, and that is the fact that so far as I know there is no one who could be considered “perfect” walking the earth today. I could be wrong, however, I doubt it.
It takes a whole lot of effort to put up any sort of persona, perfection being the hardest. So, how about you learn how to be what I tell my clients to be “imperfectly perfect” allowing for your humanity to show through? You see, it is totally human to make mistakes, put your foot in your mouth, sometimes hurt people when you are feeling hurt, and do stupid things. We ALL do them. And, it is these stupid things that we do, or those times we say things that in hind sight could have been handled much better, that allow us to build ever deeper relationships with others.
I will tell you a story about how I met one of my very best friends to this day. Note, that I just told her yesterday, that she needed to take more time in being available to her friends. According to her she doesn’t have any time to spend on the phone with her friends. I didn’t buy the fact that she didn’t have any time, and offered her the idea that if she made the time she could share in the lives of those she says she cares about. You see, it is the time and attention that we give others, that lets them know we do care and are interested in them. So here is the story of how I met this woman back in August of 2007:
I was at my NLP Trainer’s Training waiting out in the lobby of the hotel where the training was happening. I was very excited about this training and very nervous knowing that it was going to stretch me beyond anything I had done to that point (and it did!). So, being a fast talker, I was talking really quickly and maybe I was a bit too self-involved – I don’t really remember. All I know is that I found out later that this woman didn’t want to have a thing to do with me from that initial contact.
We were placed into groups of six to practice presentation skills, that being the main focus of being a trainer. We were asked to have one person be the lead of the group. No one volunteered in my group so I did. Later, I found out this was also off putting to this same woman – “How dare I think I should be the lead person.” was what went on in her mind as she told me a few weeks later.
On the fourth or fifth day of the training we were in our groups and I was standing in front ready to be the next person to do a presentation. This is when one of the trainers came over and told my group that I really needed their help. I needed to SLOOOOOW down my rate of speaking so that my trainees would be able to follow me better. It was with this suggestion that I got a bit touched by the fact that our trainer took the time out to get my group to help me out. With my emotions came the idea from this woman who found me so bothersome, that maybe I was okay and besides, that trainer was stupid. I didn’t need to slow down, I just needed to emphasize some things more then others. In other words, she had her own ideas has to how to best help me and did so for the remainder of that training, including making all the charts I need drawn for the subjects I had to teach my group. We had to do two subjects and the charts had to reflect exactly what our trainers told us they had to reflect. Not being a person who draws, this help was indeed a Godsend.
After the training we are at the graduation party where the same woman and I were speaking when she told me that I needed to write a book on how to overcome sex addiction this being one of my specializations and put together a training. There was no need for me to do as everyone else was doing who was going to become trainers, following a basic curriculum set up by our trainers. No, I was to do my own thing.
Every week for a few years, this same woman called me every week for what I came to call our “supervision calls” since we were helping each other with the clients we were working on. It was great. We no longer do supervision with one another as she has moved onto doing other things, but we still can pick up where we left off before and have wonderfully supportive conversations.
What I want you to understand, is that it is through really showing who we are that we can gain true friendships. No one can relate to anyone who hasn’t had to overcome something. My list of what I have overcome is a very large one from learing disabilities as a kid, to mental health issues, to family issues, to bankruptcy, to overcoming the brain tumor, etc – the tumor is no where to be found all with the use of visualization. It is a great asset to be a hypnotist so long as I use my own skill set.
So, if you want to have deeply meaningful relationships with people who share your values, then allow yourself to be true to who you are. Show the emotions and allow others to get a better understanding of who you are. Because it is only through your showing your emotions and having someone relate to, empathize with, and care about you, that you will have the ability to create wonderful life long relationships.
The other side of the deal is that you need to be able to relate to, empathize with, and care about the other person allowing that no one is perfect and that they are great for who they are at their very essence.
It was during my phone call with my elusive friend that I reminded her of the fact that she had told me a few years ago during one of our conversations on the phone that she really appreciated the fact that I am a heart based person – meaning that I am always doing things that my heart moves me to do. She had received a few surprises from me in the mail over the years and in turn she surprised me back in her own way.
So, give it a go. You have nothing to lose and only some fantastic people to gain as real true humble friends. Vulnerability rocks!
Learnings From My Journey: Suzannisms For the Mind and Soul
Learnings From My Journey: Suzannisms for the Mind and Soul is a book of essays based on the wisdom gained through those who have touched me through my own journey in life. Purchase an inspiring copy today from the Dawning Visions Hypnosis Store.
Learnings From My Journey: Suzannisms For the Mind and Soul
About Suzanne
Suzanne Kellner-Zinck founded Dawning Visions Hypnosis in 2002, She has become an innovator in the use of hypnotism and neuro-linguistic programming in the areas of obsessive compulsive disorders such as: eating disorders, sexual addiction and substance abuse as well as working with those with anxiety and mood disorders.
Her clients have come to work with her from across the United States and as far away as Africa to help them to finally be freed from these emotional issues that once ruled their lives. Today she is in the process of bringing her work to many more in the form of ebooks and other downloadable formats.
She is a member of American Holistic Medical Association and the American College for Advancement in Medicine.
Prior to founding Dawning Visions Hypnosis, Kellner-Zinck worked within vendor programs for the mentally ill working to help them to live up to their fullest potential. Many of her previous clients were able to move out on their own and find fulfilling work.
Kellner-Zinck is a Certified Trainer of Hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic programing through Tad James Company, Inc. and a Master Hypnotist and Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming through Advanced Neuro Dynamics. She holds a bachelor’s degree in education and political studies from Curry College.
Dawning Visions Hypnosis is teaching people that they can indeed leave their unwanted behaviors behind as they move forward to living fulfilling and joy filled lives.