Jul 14 2016

Do You Feel Regret Because You Don’t Enjoy Parenting?

 Do You Feel Regret Because You Don’t Enjoy Parenting? – Vol. 370, July 14, 2016

A few days ago I was listening to a podcast where this very question was being answered. I thought it would be a great subject to write on given both my own considerations for deciding not to become a parent many years ago, while working with many parents who have kids with challenging issues as a hypnotist.

During the years that I could have become a mother, I was not in any mental or emotional place to have a child. I had spent so many years being ill with bipolar illness and asthma, that I felt I had lost the years that my peers had to reach a more fulfilling place for themselves, while creating more mature relationships with their partners before having their children. I was concerned that my child would inherit the mental health issues that run in my family. I also didn’t feel that I could be the selfless person I would have to become to do right by my child. My ex also was in no way ready or even interested in having a child. My ex thanked me for never forcing him to have a child he never wanted, even with his mother pressuring me to have a baby at one point. The only reason to have a child is because you are ready and desiring to have one, never to fulfill someone else’s desire.

Now, the one thing that I want you to understand more then anything else, is that you are not alone. Most parents who feel resentful after having kids don’t feel they can speak about it for fear of judgment. Many continue on with a pasted smile, never allowing another person to know how they truly feel. It is great that there are places online now for people who share this feeling, can do so anonymously while receiving the support that they deserve to figure out how to move forward in a more positive manner.

That podcast that I listened to spoke of two mothers who both had to go through fertility treatments, one for two years and the other for thirteen years, both desperately wanting kids. And, maybe that is the first indicator that the fantasy of having a child was much more positive then the daily grind involved.

Both of these mothers love their children for who they are, so lets be clear about that fact. Both these mothers wrote letters to the podcast host about their regret in having these children. They both mentioned the tedium of the work involved daily, the lack of privacy, lack of freedom and the lack of sleep. They felt as if they didn’t have a life any longer due to all the needs that their children have. Adding to their stress was the whining, crying and demands that their children had, making life difficult.

On top of these issues, for many the lack of intellectual stimulation being with the child all day long was another huge problem. Boredom sets in and that can lead to depression.

As I was researching this topic, I found many articles where mothers were bored by the conversations they had with other mothers who could only speak about their kids, as if there was no interest beyond that for them.

I found one woman who spoke to the notion that parents live their lives through their kids, posturing about how great their kids are doing in school, sports, jobs, when it is more important to understand that your kid is an individual separate from the parents, as a unique individual.

Friendships can be lost once one is a parent, not knowing how to maintain the friendships. I was lucky in that my best friend wanted me involved in his life and the life of his kids as they grew up. His son as my Godson brought me much fun and love through the years. So, do yourself a favor and keep those friends that you have, because they may be there to help with the kid when you want to go out for a night on the town, or be a role model for your kid. If that person is involved in their lives, maybe they will become friends later on when they are adults as I had occur with my Godson.

Over protection is another issue that many parents get sick of hearing about from other moms. For a child to be able to navigate their world they are going to have to be allowed to do things outside of your immediate sight. Endless worrying about kidnapping and other forms of lack of safety is going to hinder your child’s ability to navigate their world, while making you crazy. It is your job to help your child learn how to be safe out in the greater world by using your common sense and teaching them this important skill set.

When couples become parents when they are very young there is the issue of not knowing who they are individually as well as a couple. Once strapped down with kids, it is imperative to give yourself the chance to figure out what it is that you want your life to be. Go for the goals that matter to you. It is also important to share the same vision with your partner. This will fortify the relationship as well as bring security to your child.

Yes, there are going to be many times when you are less then stellar in your communication with your kid, however, kids are resilient and will love you anyway. That isn’t a pass on being a jerk toward your kid. Emotional damage can happen with a more sensitive kid. However, you will most likely be forgiven along the way. This is especially true if you are honest with your child about why you erupted and taking responsibility for it. Because in the end, it is your own actions that are going to be repeated by your child, not your words most likely.

It’s important to have boundaries with your children. The biggest problem that I see in my clients’ lives is that their parents are either too over protective or allow their kids to run their lives. It is up to you as a parent to decide what is appropriate behavior and demonstrate it. If you tell your child “no” make sure that there is a good reason and share that with your child and stand by that decision. Children need to have boundaries and they need to have structure to feel safe in their worlds. Give them a definite bedtime, a time to do homework and a time to play. Make sure they are out in the world doing things and not wasting their time on video games, Facebook, etc. I have found that the majority of the kids that I have worked with have had issues of being addicted to their technology, bullied by someone on Facebook or overwhelmed by the content on it – teens with the sexualizing of females by males for example. Let then know that it is okay to pull down their pages on Facebook, un-friend people who are abusive.

So, yes being a parent is a very challenging job. And, though you may resent having become one, it’s time for you to step into the role you have brought on yourself with as much dignity as you can. As one woman said, “….by reminding myself that nothing changed in the rest of the world when I gave birth; I was the one who changed. Change means acceptance, not demanding that the world now accommodates you; that’s entitlement and nobody likes that. The best advise I can give is to develop your sense of self and be honest to yourself about the whole process.”

Jul 11 2016

154:What Makes For An Excellent Life

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 17:59 — 16.5MB)

In the spirit of the name of this podcast, listen to master hypnotist Suzanne Kellner-Zinck talk about what actually makes an excellent life.

 

Jul 07 2016

The Real Role of Forgiveness: Bringing Back Wellness

Photo by Iqbal Osman1

The Real Role of Forgiveness: Bringing Back Wellness – Vol. 369, July 7, 2016

Many people believe that to forgive is to forget. I have had many clients who felt that this was true, and in some cases they made it much harder to do the forgiveness healing work. From my perspective it is important to forgive those who you felt harmed you, because if you do not, their past behavior will always be in charge of your feelings. That is way too high a price to pay, especially since the person that you felt harmed you has moved on in life, usually without a thought of you in their mind. If they have passed on, then a ghost of sorts is ruling your feelings. If you think about this, it’s a rather crazy way to live, especially because of the direct impact it has on one’s health.

It has been found through research that by holding onto resentment, all the chemicals of the stress response are released: adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine. These chemicals take away one’s ability to think creatively limiting problem solving. After a while, one is unable to think, leaving the feeling of helplessness, while taking on the role of a ‘victim.’ This according to the work of Dr. Frederick Luskin, cofounder of the Stanford Forgiveness project. This project has shown that when one forgives the levels of anger, anxiety, and depression go down while elevating mood and optimism.

With the use of fMRI scanners, it was found by Dr. Pietro Pietrini at the University of Pisa in Italy, that anger and vengeance inhibited rational thinking and caused the amygdala to increase its activity. This process causes the fight-or flight response. Reason is gone due to anger and rage. Interestingly enough, the prefrontal cortex and posterior cingulate, which are the more recently evolved parts of our brains, do the problem solving, empathy and emotional control.

Now, this is very important to understand because the state of our mind has much to do with our physical health as well. Before the physiology was understood regarding the role of forgiveness, Dr. Dabney Ewin, a surgeon specializing in burns started using hypnosis with his patients. He found that by having them imagine their burned areas packed in ice, their pain decreased considerably. However, when he had angry, resentful patients that underwent skin grafts, the grafts would not take. It was then that he realized that these patients were all burned up figuratively and literally and with good reason. So, he decided to help them along with hypnosis to forgive whoever they felt caused the burn. He found that they were able to heal much quicker as a result of doing the forgiveness work.

In my work with my clients, I always do forgiveness work. Because it is during the forgiveness work that they are able to let go of the anger and resentment and many seemingly physical ailments they have that were caused by holding on to the resentment. My clients are taught that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting, because if we forget being hurt by someone, we could very well be hurt again. However, by understanding that all people are doing the best that they can, and that people are not their behavior, including the client, an understanding of the other person’s perspective comes into the client’s consciousness allowing the client to finally let go of the anger, resentment and hurt. Using hypnotic techniques this is a process that takes mere minutes to achieve in most cases. However, the most important person for the client to forgive would be themselves. They are in my practice because they were dealing with some very negative issues that needed to be resolved after all. Once the forgiveness is complete, the clients always report feeling, “lighter and brighter.”

Because there isn’t a person alive who hasn’t done something that may have hurt someone in one way or another, it is important for all of us to remember that we too may have hurt someone with something we said, something we did, or something we promised and never followed through on. This being the case, it becomes much easier to forgive others for their trespasses.

Most importantly, I let my clients know that the harsher the trespass the deeper the positive learnings they will have, allowing them to finally move on with their lives – with a healthier psychological and physiological state.

Note: The studies commented on in is weblog came from Salon, in an article published August 23, 2015 by Megan Feldman Bettencourt, The Science of Forgiveness: “When you don’t forgive you release all the chemicals of the stress response”

Photo by Iqbal Osman1

Jul 04 2016

153:10 Ways Nature Heals Your Mind

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 13:28 — 12.3MB)

Learn 10 ways that nature does a body good

 

Jun 30 2016

Is U.S. Government on The Right Track Regarding Opioid Addiction?

Photo by SayRoquefort

 Is U.S. Government on The Right Track Regarding Opioid Addiction? – Vol. 368, June 30, 2016 

I received my Rolling Stone magazine this month which included a very in depth article by Tim Dickinson which caught my attention called, The War on Drugs. His article goes into many issues regarding the war on drugs including the supply and demand, and the waste of time, money and energy on fighting the drug cartels. In this article I am only going to address the treatment of the substance abusers, because there has been a change in direction in which the government of the United States is dealing with this very important issue. I believe it is worth a look at what is happening in other countries who have a longer history to see what they have done. First a little bit of the history on the war on drugs here in the United States.

According to Mr. Dickinson, the war on drugs has been going on for 45 years and has cost our country over $1 trillion. It really goes back much further to a man called Harry Anslinger who was a racist. He took over the Department of Prohibition just as alcohol prohibition was ending. He needed to find a new purpose for his department to exist so he went after black drug abusers. Billie Holliday remains the best known person who represented everything that this man hated about blacks, she herself vowing to never bow her head to a white man. In the end she died unable to get the methadone she needed after withdrawing from heroin, being hospitalized for liver cancer. This account was given by Johann Hari in his book Chasing the Scream: The First and Last Days of the War On Drugs.

There have been other cost to holding people in federal prison, who need medical and psychological care. We have seen the devastation on the black urban areas where the primary provider men have been incarcerated, while harming male black boys growing up without their fathers. Sadly, this was President Nixon’s plan when he began his war on drugs. Nixon domestic policy maker, John Ehrlichman revealed in an interview that was published in Harper’s this year, that the goal was to criminalize the anti-war left and black people. Nixon viewed these two groups as arch enemies of the administration.

So where are we currently? There were 28,893 opioid drug overdose deaths in 2014, according to the CDC. According to the National Center for Addiction and substance abuse 65% of the inmates meet the DSM’s criteria for substance abuse treatment and yet only 11% ever get any treatment. The cost to our country for this policy was $74 billion while the cost for the drug abuse treatments given was less then 1% at $632 million back in 2006.

President Obama came to the conclusion that one needn’t talk about recovery if people are dying from drug overdoses.

So, President Obama decided to take a different course of action by appointing a new drug czar, Michael Botticelli who is himself in recovery from alcoholism for over 27 years. He was the former head of treatment services in Massachusetts. Botticelli believes that one of the reasons that people don’t seek treatment is because of the stigma attached to their addiction. Botticelli never uses the term “junkie” or “addicts” instead referring to these people as those with “opioid-abuse disorders.” 

The fact is that whites have twice the rate of overdose deaths as black Americans and three times the rate of Hispanics. Given this truth President Obama has remarked that our idea of who is a drug addict is misinformed. It isn’t the poor minority as it was presumed for many decades. According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine 4 of 5 heroin users are former prescription drug users. Because of this fact, Obama has recognized the change in perception making it is easier to emphasize treatment over incarceration.

The government lifted the prohibition on most of the federal funding for needle exchanges which Botticelli sees as a great intervention point for out-of-treatment drug users. The next step would be injection sites, where prescription grade heroin would be used under medical supervision. This could greatly reduce the spread of disease and overdosing due to sharing of needles and the addition of cheap fillers in the heroin that is found on the streets.

There is a concern however, that if the opioid abusers have access to their heroin in this manner, would they be willing to get treatment to stop their abuse? We don’t have any statistics yet to tell us. We do have some information from the Dutch who are able to access free government provided lab synthesized heroin three times a day. The feedback from the heroin users was interesting. Instead of feeling that they were being supported, they feel that they have been “flushed down the toilet” by the Dutch public, forgotten about forever. It also needs to be noted that criminal behavior went down considerably. This being reported in Vice News, May 6 2014 in their article Only in the Netherlands Do Addicts Complain About Free Government Heroin.

Mark Szalavitz writes in his article for Time, Sunday, April 2009 Drugs in Portugal: Did Decriminalization Work? Five years after decriminalization of personal possession, among teens the rate of new HIV infections caused by sharing of needle decreased while, doubling the amount of people seeking treatment.

My guess is that we are finally working in the correct direction as far as heroin and opioid prescription drug abuse are concerned. In the very least we will most likely have fewer drug overdoses and less criminal activity in the end. The extra benefit is that opioid abusers will be seen for the who they are, people who are suffering from an addiction who are worthy of treatment. With the health care parity, all insurance companies have to offer drug addiction treatment which was also a great step toward seeing those addicted to substances as having the right to access care, instead of being seen as criminals.

Photo by SayRoquefort

Jun 27 2016

152:Being Real, Being Vulnerable

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 14:31 — 13.3MB)

Being real, authentic and vulnerable can be the scariest thing we ever do, however, when you do it with the right people, you can create wonderful relationships. Take the first step.

 

Jun 23 2016

What Gets In the Way of Feeling Contentment?

Photo by Trish Hamme

What Gets In the Way of Feeling Contentment? – Vol. 367, June 23, 2016

Over the years I have studied under many people who agree with the notion that one’s circumstances have little to do with one’s happiness or contentment in life. The majority of these individuals are coming from a more spiritual angle then one of the physical world and it’s realities.

The idea of gratitude comes in often while studying these individuals. Another very common idea is that of living in the moment, for as long as everything is fine in the moment, there is nothing to be concerned about, or so the teaching goes.

I would like to bring a different idea into the mix, though I certainly agree with the above. I believe contentment comes from a sense of honoring yourself for who you are – meaning that you are willing to live your own values, your own truths and take the stands for those things that truly matter to you.

During all my years of working in the field of mental health, I can tell you that the biggest problem my clients have had to deal with is the lack of feeling at one with who they are as people. We can associate many labels to the lack of positive feelings about themselves – all of it going back to some form of lack of love and respect for themselves.

How does one become content in one’s life? It’s simple really, however that doesn’t mean it is an easy thing to achieve.

First, you must make an honest appraisal of your positive attributes. Listen to the compliments that others give you, that perhaps you are too quick to dismiss.

Second, feel into those compliments, owning them as who you are, because in this world, heart felt compliments are hard to come by. No one is going to compliment you for something that is not true for that person.

Third, understand that no one is perfect, which includes you. Forgive yourself for those things that you felt you did that were negative to others and yourself.

And, always remember to live in the moment, with gratitude for the good stuff that you have in you life.

If there are things that you are doing that make you feel poorly about yourself, stop doing them.

If you are hanging around unsupportive people, let them go.

If you are not taking good care of yourself, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, ask yourself why it is that you don’t feel worthy of this self-care. See if you can make a determination that, of course you are worthy of taking good care of yourself.

Remember that our wallets, the material things that we own, the good paying job, are not the things that allow a person to feel contented. Contentment is an ‘inside’ job, having very little if anything to do with the exterior.

I can’t tell you how many people I have worked with who had excellent paying jobs that they felt bored or overwhelmed by. I can’t tell you the amount of people that I have worked with who had every material thing a person could want, and still they were miserable. I can’t tell you the amount of people who were in relationships that were either dead or abusive, yet there they were feeling stuck in them, usually “for the good of the kids.”

Please do yourself a favor and wake up to that which lights you up inside. Get true to who you are at your very essence by respecting your heart’s calling. By doing so, you will find that you are at long last feeling contented, feeling nurtured and nourished by the life you are living. It needn’t be perfect, it just needs to be aligned with who you are as a person. The best part of this whole deal is that you will find the energy and health that maybe were kept from you for a very long time.

I know that it was only when I stopped to listen to what I wanted in my life, what I cared about, that my health finally got much better. My inner self felt contented. I wish you the same in your journey through life.

Photo by Trish Hamme

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