Would it Be Better to Have a Psychologist Whose Personality is Identical or Distinct From Your Own? -Vol. 523 – November 14, 2019

This was another question that was asked by a person on Quora which I believe was an excellent one to ask. Many times I have people ask me on Quora how they know they have the correct therapist for them. Here is the way that I answered the question:

Your question is looking at the wrong aspects of what allows for a great therapeutic relationship.

It is much more important for your psychologist to be able to engage with you in a fashion that forces you to be ‘real’ with yourself while being able to give you tools and techniques to overcome whatever issues you are employing them to help you with. So, the style of interaction is what matters.

I have had people with so many different personality types over the years that it would be impossible to put them into any sort of category. However, what all the successful clients had in commons was the willingness ‘to do whatever it takes’ to heal. This meant doing the homework that was given timely, spending their session time engaging in the processes that we were doing and being willing to be open with me about anything that confused or upset them about which we were doing or if I was putting my foot in my mouth – something that I can be very good at doing at times. Hey, I am only human!

So, get an appointment with a psychologist and see how it feels for you. See if you are comfortable with the way the psychologist engages with you, and most of all that the psychologist while taking your issues seriously will never allow you to manipulate hi/her because that will only keep you experiencing the same issues that brought you their office.

RED FLAGS:

A psychologist that tells you what you think or feel – which is impossible. It is fine for them to ask you if they are understanding you correctly, but NEVER EVER to tell you what you think and feel.

Treating you like you are a lot younger than you are in age. Their job is to help you to behave in an age-appropriate manner, not infantilize you in the process.

To have the ‘need to be needed’ attitude that many in the field have where their self-worth is tied up in your and their other patients needing to help you to feel worthy.

To be abusive to you in any way – that doesn’t mean that they cannot be stern with you if it is called for. I had to be stern (holding them accountable for their own negative behaviors) with every addict and eating disordered client I ever treated – however, that is different than being abusive to them.

Having them take ‘at’ you instead of ‘to’ you.

Never having anything of value to add to your understanding of how to shift into the thoughts and behaviors that will better serve you.

Lastly, no mental health professional can keep you as a patient any longer then you choose to work with them unless you were court-ordered to have psychotherapy done. It is within your rights to ask for your own records as well. Many may give you a hard time, but these are YOUR records and you have every right to them. You may have to pay to have them copied for you, but it is worth it if you feel the need to have a copy in the first place.

Can a Skilled Hypnotist Help A Narcissist? – Vol. 522, November 7, 2019

The actual question asked was: Can a skilled and licensed (state licensing doesn’t exist in the USA for hypnotism, only certification by hypnosis associations) hypnotherapist hypnotize someone with NPD out of their behavior forever?

This question was asked by a Quoran, a person who asks questions on Quora where questions about narcissist come up all too often in my opinion. I don’t like to label people at all, but especially those that are considered personality disorders. Why? Because these very serious psychiatric labels are too easily placed on others by people who have zero idea what the label actually stands for in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM) that the mental health professionals use. However, I wanted to answer this question because there are limits to what types of people a hypnotist can help and that needs to be understood. So, here is my answer to the Quoran’s question:

Understand that I have been in the world of mental health conventionally first and then with hypnotic techniques after for over 30 years. When we speak of any personality disorder, there is no way to get them better. Narcissistic behavior is there as a protection for the individual who has it, and further a narcissist would never believe there was anything wrong with them so would never go for treatment.

Anyone who tells you that personality disorders can be treated with hypnotism has no clue what they are speaking about. My specialization is in helping people overcome emotional issues including the more challenging ones of addictions including eating disorders. These folks can be healed. I have several clients who have been healed since 2004-2005 – do the math – that’s a decent amount of time. However, those with personality disorders (histrionic, Borderline Personality Disorder, etc.) though able to understand in intellectual terms what is being asked of them, have a terrible time actually making the behavioral changes. I have had more success working with schizophrenics, though in one case I did not know that he had that diagnosis – I actually don’t believe he has it, I believe that he probably as bipolar with psychotic features to be honest and he did have great results letting go of his sex addiction – the reason he came to see me. In the other case, it was a kid who was doing real well in his life with a full-time job, going to school part-time and working out regularly. He is he exception not the rule where schizophrenia is concerned, in how well he is doing  with his life. He came to me because his parents wanted him to give up smoking marijuana, but it wasn’t what he wanted at all – for him it helped him to be functional so that the voices in his head could be quieted down. I am unable to get into another person’s head, but given his success in life, I took his word for how the marijuana helped him to cope.

Now, this is something else that I want to bring out regarding the DSM and that is that I don’t really believe in the DSM diagnoses given.There are so many overlapping symptoms for too many labels that are used. It is disgusting to my mind that the DSM 5 labels every normal human emotion as some sort of pathological illness making this manual (that has never been proven to be evidence based – EVER) more disastrous than ever. Many people are going to be medicated for normal feelings that would be much better addressed by learning how to regulate them by understanding what them mean and then letting them go.

How Can You Move Forward After A Breakup? -Vol. 521, October 31, 2019

This was a question that was asked by a Quoran and an important one to be sure. I have had several clients who came to see me because they could not get over their breakups. Here is how I answered this question:

To move past your breakup, the best thing that you can do is to find those things that you learned as a result of the relationship. Those things that you found positive that helped you learn and grow and those things that were negative and were the reason that the break up was a good thing.

Next, immerse yourself in things that you enjoy doing, especially those things that perhaps your former partner did not enjoy doing. Enjoy this time for respecting you and that which you find fun and interesting to do and when you least expect it another person may just show up who is a better match than the one who is no more.

How Can You Practice Self-Love? Vol. 520, October 24, 2019

This was a question that was asked by a person on Quora and this is how I answered it:

Thank you for this very important question, because to tell you the truth, those people who become my clients – those with pretty difficult emotional issues are those who learned that it was wrong to love one’s self.

So, what is self-love? It is when one respects themselves enough to eat real one item foods, do activities that they enjoy and be with people who enjoy them and challenge them to be the best they can be in a loving and supportive manner.

The most important thing for every human to feel self-love is to recognize that they are worthy of love from themselves. Having a sense of self- authority is very important – being able to be who you truly are instead of pretending to be something you are not in order to gain someone’s attention. This is a very dysfunctional way of being that many of my eating disordered clients demonstrated given the abusive family situations they grew up in. However, for a person to be able to be loved by someone, that someone needs to know who that person is including the annoying aspects that we ALL have in our personalities.

So, love yourself by being true to who you are and taking care of all the needs that your body has in healthy ways. Stay away from negative news, negative people and especially those with lots of anger. Instead hang with people who share your values and treat you well.

How Can You Make Yourself More Susceptible to To Hypnosis? – Vol. 520, October 17, 2019

First of all, if you are not a trained hypnotist you are not going to be able to assess whether or not you are in trance. However, a trained hypnotist is able to look for physical symptoms of one being in trance.

Some of those symptoms are:

Fluttering eyes as one imagines the scene the hypnotist is giving them in a guided visualization.

We look for circular breathing as one gets into a more relaxed state.

Slower pulses in the ankles and neck.

The lines in the lips get filled in.

Lacrimation: this is when the tear ducts relax and tears start rolling (it has nothing to do with one feeling sad at all).

The color in the face changes slightly to have a bit more color.

Some people swallow a lot more.

Eyes blink a lot less often.

From the perspective of the client, all they may feel is a bit of relaxation.

I always give the above indicators to my clients so that they are aware of the fact that I am looking for them.

Clients may feel tingles in their fingers or toes.

Clients may feel much heavier or much lighter.

Clients will sense that time has gone much more quickly then it actually has – this is called ‘time distortion.’

Now, to become better at trancing because we are all in and out of it every single day, but are unaware of it like when we daydream, get home without thinking about how we did so our minds on something else, being on the computer for hours when it felt like minutes, or suspending reality while reading a great book or watching a great movie – just takes practice. Going into a hypnotic trance on cue is like anything else – you need to learn how to do it and then practice it till it takes you a couple of moments to enter.

You now have a better understanding of what we hypnotists are looking for when one is in trance vs what those who have no idea what the hypnotic trance state is trying to define for themselves what it is to be.

How To Tell Someone to Stop Complaining, ”Suck it Up, It’s Meaningless?” – Vol. 519, October 17, 2019

This was a question that a person on Quora asked me and this is how I answered them:

It is unfortunate that you didn’t give any context to this particular question because there are indeed those times when people seem to make a lot out of very little. After working with clients who have suffered terrible traumas, and successfully healed them, it is amazing to me how some people can just hold onto some crap for decades instead of dealing with it, letting it go and moving on. Life is too short to be angry, feeling guilt or shame over things that go back to one’s childhood. Unfortunately, from the work that I do as a hypnotist, some people do indeed create all sorts of anxiety, depression and substance abuse issues over these seemingly small issues. Everyone has their own tolerance for such things, and much of it has to do with how old one was when they experienced the ‘hurt.’ The younger one is, the more impactful it is going to be, this being the way our minds are created.

The way that I deal with those who are complaining about trite stuff – (friends and family) is that I will allow them to vent a few times. Being a hypnotist, if there is something that I can do to help them to let the issue go, I will ask if they would like me to do that with them and that usually solves the problem. However, if the person is not open to that, I stop hanging out with them. I don’t have the time or desire to be around them. I don’t tell them to ‘suck it up.” I just don’t have time to spend with them moving forward. For those who hire me to work with them, we work through their issues so that they can let it go and have more contented and fulfilled lives minus the issue.

However, there are those people who have really gone through a difficult time be it losing someone close to them (and sometimes this can even be animals that they loved for years that died), failed at some goal that was important to them, lost a job, or perhaps are dealing with a real mental health or physical health issue of their own or are having to deal with someone who is close to them that is going through it. In that case, it is a matter of being willing to allow them to vent and helping out if you can. One needs to monitor the amount of time spent with that person because the reality is that it isn’t a friend or relative’s job to play ‘therapist’ – that can cause all sorts of worse problems. In that case, telling them that though you love and care for them, you really are not qualified to help them out and that perhaps they would do well to seek out a professional to help them through their difficult time.

I had a client years ago who found herself in this situation. Her friend was an acupuncturist practicing in Southern Virginia yet had a drug problem. If her licensing association found out she would have lost her license. So, my client referred her to a professional she knew to help her overcome this issue.

Thanks for the question. I do believe it will help many others to understand the nuances involved in human interactions. One person’s trite situation may be another person’s trauma!

How Can I Keep Myself From Being Hypnotized? – Vol. 518, Oct. 10, 2019

This was a question asked by a person on Quora, which I thought was very important, given the fact that many people are being hypnotized in their everyday lives and do not even realize it. This is how I answered it:

As a hypnotist, I believe that this is a most excellent question because it is indeed true that most people are living in a hypnotized state and don’t even recognize it. This is at least the way that I am interpreting your question. You were not speaking of being hypnotized by a hypnotist specifically. If that was your question, then it is more about not being around one unless you are employing that hypnotist to help you with specific issues, you trust that they have the credentials and knowledge to do the work that you are requesting. If it is a stage show, by all means, pass on it, though I find them to be funny as hell and love participating myself. However, if I am reading your question in terms of everyday living, here is my answer:

The most important thing that you can do is to be careful about what you allow into your unconscious mind. If you watch or listen to the news right before going to sleep or right when you awaken, you are allowing that negative information to go right into your unconscious mind because you are in a hypnogogic state at these times.

We get hypnotized when we hear the same stuff over and over again – so it is important to be around positive and fun-loving people. Stay away from those who are negative.

When we are in a heightened emotional state, we are hypnotizable, and that could be both when we are in a negative emotional state or a positive emotional state – so be aware of what is happening while you are in these highly emotional states – do what you can to have them be positive. If it is a negative emotional state like anger or sadness, do what you need to and remove yourself from the situation. This is especially important when you find yourself at some training and are being upsold to an expensive program costing 10s of thousands of dollars. Those who run these programs know that they have their participants into a highly emotional state, one could call a hypnotized state, where one is most likely to purchase the program right then and there, which is why they do the low-cost or no-cost introduction trainings and workshops. I know because this happened to me many years ago.

Most people never really think about protecting their mind, however, it is the most important thing that we can do to keep ourselves emotionally healthy and in control of our own lives.