Dec 22 2012

Psychological Sexual Dysfunction: Can This Describe You?

Vol. 57, October 2007

Every now and again I receive calls from potential clients who are having difficulty having sexual relations with the partner that they love. Recently I had a gentleman call in because he experienced pain every time he was sexually active with his partner. The first question that I asked him was if he was checked out by a medical doctor to make sure that any potential physiological problems were ruled out. He gave me a very long list of specialist that he had consulted with, none of them able to find any physical reason for his pain. Continue reading

Dec 22 2012

Do you hear what I hear?

3759: Mayan Calendar - Aztec Stone of the sun

3759: Mayan Calendar – Aztec Stone of the sun (Photo credit: insert screen name here)

 

Vol. 180 – 12/22/2012

 

The end of the world is coming according to the Mayan calendar.  The end of the world came and went about a year ago, so many don’t take much stock in the most recent date.

 

But I wonder what it does to the precious kids that hear the end is near.  When I grew up in the 60’s, the end of the school term was enough to give one fear of failing grades, or the end of the week if one had to go to the dentist, but the end of the entire world as we knew it.  Will it be as painful as the dentist?   If little kids fear the dentist or the end of the school term can you imagine what they must feel when they hear the end of the world is near.  And with all the school killings lately, it is hard to escape the media.  While I grieve for the children, to be reminded of it day after day is depressing.  Even on the music stations, (I used to listen to the news on the way into work, but it is too depressing now so I listen to my favorite music station) and even that has the news squeezed in between songs.  Is there no escape from the violence and depressing news that seems to be shrouding our world like a black cloth that one can’t see through any longer?

 

I tell my godson I love him, as often as I can, yet I buy him one of the few things he asked for this Christmas.  I have been struggling on whether to return it to the store.  He is a very healthy and seemingly well-adjusted young adult at 17 years of age, despite coming from 2 drug addicts that had their act together and did not actively use drugs until he was 16 years old, they now drink and party hearty.  He grew up going to meetings “hearing” that alcohol and drugs are bad and that “we” as addicts need always refrain and cannot drink even socially.  Yet now that is out the window.  Seems the rules can be changed to fit whatever it is we want to fit.

 

The item I purchased for him that he said he wanted was a video game, Call of Duty.  It is an especially violent game of killing people for sport.  I am totally against killing people for sport, always have been.  Even in videos.  Especially in videos.  I do not understand why people get off on that.  It is bad enough to see it in films, but in a video, “you” are actually doing the killing.  I don’t know if a 17 year old is old enough to be killing people for sport.  It is bad enough they must kill at that age in the military, but at least it is for a cause whether we feel the cause is just, it is ultimately for our country’s freedom and possibly that soldier’s life.  And don’t think those “kids” don’t come back from war messed up from that.

 

But to give a child the license to kill another person even if it is thru a “joystick”—what are they hearing from us adults?  And especially the fact that I am this child’s godmother.  Some say that we need to put “God” back in the schools, and there are others that don’t believe in God or a God at all.  Everyone does have a right to their opinion, however, I do believe in a God and that God represents good and doesn’t condone killing for sport.

 

I have been struggling on whether to return the video and stand by my principals.

 

Given the recent mass killings of 20 innocent 5 and 6 year olds by a child himself, I think he was merely 20 years old, I have decided to return the game.  I can’t help but feel that these children that kill think that it is all a game.

 

We know scientifically that a child’s brain is not fully formed and fully functional until the age of 25.

 

By giving my godson this game am I telling him that killing is OK?  Even if it is in a video?

 

Is it OK to get drunk—even if it is in your own home?

 

Actions often speak louder than words.

 

I can tell my godson I love him, but am I showing him I love him by teaching him love for another human being?

 

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Dec 15 2012

Study Demonstrates that Trouble Emoting Leads to Panic Attacks; Release Them Easily with Hypnosis

Vol. 75, April 2009- Study Demonstrates that Trouble Emoting Leads to Panic Attacks, Release Them Easily with Hypnosis.

There are many people who have difficulty expressing their emotions because they have a hard time identifying them creating the cause for what is commonly known as panic attacks. Many times when the first panic attack is experienced, it is mistakenly thought to be a heart attack. This is because the symptoms of a panic attack: chest pain, a rapid heartbeat, difficulty breathing, dizziness, faintness, weakness and sweating starting with a feeling of terror are very similar to what a person having a heart attack would experience. Sometimes the individual who is having panic attacks stop doing their normal activities with a small percentage becoming agoraphobic, never leaving their homes. Continue reading

Dec 15 2012

Dealing with The Holiday Blues: Happiness and Good Cheer are Possible

Do you like my Zine? Dicken's Village by MaryVol. 179, Dec. 7, 2012

With forty-five percent of the American adult population single (104 million people) with twenty-seven percent representing single-person households, you are in good company. There is a great difference between being alone and being lonely. Many people enjoy their “alone” time to do those things that are squeezed out of their normal daily schedule. On the other hand, being lonely means that you feel empty inside looking to others to fill a void within.

 

Of course if you have lost someone dear to you either through a death or a divorce it is much healthier for you to allow yourself to feel the sadness that any loss would create. Give yourself the space and time to grieve this loss. There is no need for you to feel compelled to take part in the holiday festivities, this becoming more of an obligation than something that you may feel like doing.

 

However, if you are one of the many millions who just find yourself in a situation where you are away from your home or family, or just need a place to celebrate the holidays, the first thing you can do is to share with your friends and coworkers that you haven’t any plans for the holidays. You may well find yourself invited to their home where you may be able to help dispel some family tensions by your presence.

 

Another wonderful idea is for you to make a list of “acts of kindness” you can perform for your neighbors, friends or classmates. Little things like walking the dog, shoveling the driveway or bringing some homemade goods to someone who would really appreciate them could bring happiness to yourself as well as the beneficiary of your good deeds.

When we think about the holidays, they are really about being present for others rather than bringing presents to others—because what truly matters is that you are spending quality time enjoying being with the people that you are choosing to be with.

 

What better way to share the holiday than volunteering with some charity that services a population that could use your good cheer. You could serve food to the homeless, bring companionship or some talent to the elderly or cheer up the children in the hospital. There are so many places where you can use this sacred time to bring a smile to others as you do so for yourself.

 

Many years ago, I worked in a transitional home for the mentally ill.  This was a place the clients stayed after being released from the hospital till permanent housing was found for them. Sadly, many of the clients there had family that left them there alone for the holidays. The staff at the house always made homemade holiday meals and bought special gifts for Christmas for our guests. I will always remember the sweet smiles and tears of joy on our guests faces for making their holidays something special for them.

 

A few years later I was working in a supportive housing program where I was working Thanksgiving Day. It so happened that one of my clients was to have a day pass out of the hospital’s behavioral unit. I remember bringing him back to the program and asking why it was that he wanted to be in a locked unit at the mental hospital. His doctor had told me he didn’t need to be in the locked unit, yet that is where he chose to be. My client told me that he was sure that the people on the locked ward were supposed to be there. It was his way of telling me that he felt safe there. It was that particular Thanksgiving Day that allowed me the opportunity to do right by  this client as proven seventeen years later. I was shopping in the produce department of the grocery store close to where that program once was situated.  A gentleman asked me if I remembered who he was. I couldn’t remember his name, though I knew that he was an apartment mate of this same client. He told me that my past client was living quite successfully in the community sharing an apartment with another man. I couldn’t tell you how great that made me feel to know how well my old client was doing after all these years given all the challenges he had to overcome to live in the community successfully.

 

Think about the difference you can make, just being with people who really could use your heart, your care, your ear. One never knows what sort of impact one can have getting out of your own head and into being of service to others.

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Dec 08 2012

Is Inner Conflict Stopping You From Doing Something Important In Your Life?

Vol. 59, December 2007

Perhaps you can think of a time in your life when you felt that a part of you felt one way while another part of you felt a different way. Perhaps this inner conflict created difficulty in achieving some goal that you may have wanted to achieve. A simple example of how this can work is in the quitting of smoking. Even though the client wants to stop smoking there is a part of them that is not ready and keeps sabotaging the goal. It is this part that is being run by the unconscious mind. Continue reading

Dec 08 2012

Is Your Relationship Destroying You? 9 Emotional Abuse Symptoms and How to Deal with Them

Volume 178, Nov. 30, 2012

It is amazing to me how many of my clients come in telling me of their loving relationships. You know all the great things their partner does for and with them. And then after a little bit of chit chat the truth slowly comes out once piece at a time. This is usually done by defending the perpetrator of unkindnesses toward them in some fashion, making up stories as to why it is okay to be treated in this inhumane manner. I am here to tell you that it is NEVER okay to be treated in this way. Below are 9 symptoms that you are being emotionally abused. You will know that this is true not only by reading and relating these symptoms to yourself. No, I would say that you will be able to feel your insides being turned upside down as you feel inside your gut that this is a situation that you need to finally address. Why? Because it is taking you out of your own life, making you feel guilty, sad, guilty, incompetent with a general feeling of unworthiness all the while feeling all alone in the world. Allowing this inhumane treatment to continue you will find yourself feeling insecure, scared, anxious and depressed. The interesting thing here is that the only person who is allowing this to continue is you. So take a gander at the list of symptoms and then I will give you some strategies to help you to extricate yourself from this unnecessary abuse.

 

  1. You feel neglected or ignored, probably indicating that you are no longer the main interest of you partner. Being ignored is the true opposite of being loved.
  2. Makes insults or calls you names, which is the opposite of being respected.
  3. Makes threats to you, your family, friends or pets. Intimidation has no place in a loving relationship, period, forcing an isolation of you from your support system.
  4. Humiliates and criticizes you, maybe with the use of sarcastic jokes where you are the target of such comments. Demeaning a person is hurtful and unloving.
  5. Limits access to work, makes you miss work, interrupts you while you are at work, keeps you from choosing the job or career of your own choice, or not letting you work at all. This is a controlling behavior to keep you sublimated to this individual and dependent.
  6. Does not give you your basic needs such as food and clothing. This is mostly true if it is a one earner family. Without the basic survival needs taken care of there is no sense of security allowing for the ability to move onto more complex human needs being fulfilled.
  7. Destroys your belongings demonstrating a lack of respect for not just your stuff, but you.
  8. Disrupts your sleep, disallowing you to function normally.
  9. Yells and screams at you, maybe including raging at you, many times blaming you for things you have no control over.

 

I agree that when a person is under stress, feeling bogged down in negative work and/or family environments symptoms of depression such as anger and control can result. The question one needs to ask one’s self is who is in control of changing these situations?

 

Look, the only person who can stand up for you and what you care about in your world is you. If you allow another to insult and control your life, you need to ask yourself a serious question? Why is it okay for me to allow another to treat me in this manner? Why do I even allow it? And, you know what happens when one answers that question, after they get sick of blaming all the people of their lives who may have had some influence while a kid? The realization that until the condition is made that this behavior is no longer going to be tolerated, that the bully in their life is no longer able to take away their souls, nothing is going to change.

 

Once one makes the decision that one is entitled to loving, caring, giving people in one’s life, all of a sudden the necessary help to get out of a deplorable situation arrives. Usually one has no idea that the person was there to help in the first place. That is until you, the person being belittled is open about your truth, and then before you know it, the way is found.

 

You see, the only person that is holding you back from finding an enjoyable and fulfilled life is you. It really doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, and how hopeless the situation seems. There are many people with much less then you, with more responsibilities than you perhaps, who were able to say “no” to the abuse and take a stand for what mattered. Sometimes this is done to protect children who are being abused in one or more ways by a spouse, sometimes it is done because life has gotten so unbearable the only other option felt like death. Whatever the reason, the strong realize that the only way to turn around one’s life, is to first make the decision that there is no way that this behavior by another is to be tolerated. Engaging the assistance of others to help get out of the situation is required.

 

There is help. However, you have to be honest about your situation in order to claim it.

How do I know this? Because in the course of my professional life, I have helped many abused people of all ages starting from the bullying of the young to the abused husband to turn around their lives. It is indeed possible once you learn how to speak to people in a manner that is assertive, without being aggressive or whiny while taking the steps required to move on with your own life.

 

The first suggestion I have is for you to tell the abuser that whatever the problems, that the abuser is responsible for whatever needs to be changed, not you.

 

The second suggestion is to allow the abuser to know that you are no longer living under the dictates given. Intolerable behavior will not be tolerated any longer. You do this by stating the behavior calmly and directly and tell the abuser what you expect instead. And then you walk away from the conversation.

 

The third suggestion is to let the abuser know that you will give them the option of seeking professional help for themselves, as you do the same for yourself because you each need to address why this occurred in the first place. No relationship counseling will help till the underlying issues are resolved individually first.

 

The fourth suggestion is to follow through and do as you say you will. Without follow-through the cycle repeats and the only person who is responsible is, of course you.

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Dec 01 2012

Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Dominique Strauss Kahn : Which one might be a sex addict? – Vol. 103, May 26, 2011

First, I need to be clear that I have never met either of the gentlemen being spoken of in this posting. I have however, worked in the area of sex addictions for the past six years and have written a book that will be published in the next few months on the subject. The following is just my opinion based on the media attention that these two famous males have had focused on them.

Sexual addiction occurs when a person is unable to stop the impulsive behavior regardless of the damaging effects of that behavior. There is a biological basis for the dopamine rush that a person gets when they take the risk involved in acting in a manner that goes against societal norms. When men are addicted to the sexual behavior they are in an altered state as they go on the hunt for the woman who will fulfill his orgasmic need.

It is interesting to note that for a man to become sexually addicted he will have never had the normal emotional attachment form with his primary caregiver, usually because this person was either negligent or unavailable to fulfill his needs whether it be on the physical level or the emotional. Without the ability to attach to another person in the normal manner, the sexual addict is unable to form any sort of long term relationship with a primary partner. Instead he will get his needs taken care as he feels them, unable to commit to any relationship, even if it means feeling lonely and unfulfilled by the sexual relations that he experiences.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has allegedly had several affairs over the twenty-five years he has been married to Maria Shriver. He has proven to be able to attach to these women one after the other, with them truly caring about him in return. Just because a man has a hankering for an affair, does not make him a sex addict. It most likely says more about his lack of fulfillment by the relationship that he is in, not feeling appreciated, or perhaps not experiencing the type of sexual play that he would prefer from the woman with whom he is married.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn formally of the International Monetary Fund, has a very different history from Arnold Schwarznegger. Here is a man who was notorious for groping strangers, women who held high governmental positions without any regard for who they were or why they were in a particular meeting with him. Many women who had to interact with him given the high status of his job, did all they could to not be left alone in a room with him. Even though it was a known fact that Strauss-Kahn acted in this despicable manner, nothing was ever done to protect these woman from him. Understand that this sort of behavior is very aggressive and hateful, crossing a boundary with the women with whom he came into contact.

Please note that most sex addicts are men who will find women to fulfill their sexual needs, usually in the sex trade, being paid for the services they render. It is only a very small proportion of the sexual addicts who would ever act in such a overtly demeaning manner, most likely less than five to ten percent. I want to be clear about his point. The reason that Dominique Strauss-Kahn could be considered a sex addict based on the reports in the news, is because he is unable to keep from being involved in sexual behavior regardless of the damage that it could and ultimately did cause in his career and personal life. The behavior centered on Dominique Strauss-Kahn pushing himself onto women who were not interested in being with him, doing so frequently. He was known for this inappropriate behavior yet never was stopped by any of his superiors.

When one thinks of a man who is having an affair with another woman, it very well could mean that he is unhappy with the woman that he is with, desiring something more in line with fulfilling his own needs. For if a normal man’s sense of self is being admired, appreciated and acknowledged, an affair would not be on the horizon.

With a sex addict, there is no hesitation to move forward to get his “fix”, regardless of perhaps destroying the relationship that he is in, hurting his children’s concept of who he is as well as destroying the relationship that he is in with their mother. All that matters for this man is that he get what he is after, much as a dope addict has to get his drugs to continue going on, the sex addict needs his sexual release or he will not feel whole.

What can be done about sex addiction? Well, there are a few 12-step programs that are oriented toward this particular problem. However, as noted in many of our other postings about the 12-step process it is clear that this is not the preferred manner in which to receive treatment. For those of you who are new to these postings I will point out to you that it is at the 12-step programs that fellowship members are forced to get up and state to the whole group that they a powerless over their addictions. What this means is that the the members of these groups have no hope of having days without cravings. Worse than that is the function of the unconscious mind to store everything that you say and hear inside the gray cells of the brain. This means that the addict will always think of himself/herself as an addict thus having the thoughts and behaviors that go along with having an addiction. There would never be a time that the urges will be gone, which of course is why the 12-step programs have about a five percent success rate, no better than the percentage of people who would be able to stop on their own.

It is only through reframing the way the addict interprets his world that he will be able to let go of the underlying issue for his problems. It really isn’t the sex addiction that is the problem. The sex addiction is only there as a “presenting problem” allowing us to know that there is an underlining cause to the addictive behavior. This is because all addictive behavior exists to allow the mind to not have to think of anything that may be hurtful or disagreeable to the conscious mind. This is why hypnotism is such a great way to deal with this issue. One needs to go into the unconscious mind to find out what the emotional hurt is allowing us to assist the client in releasing all the negative emotions that were underlying the specific sexual behavior. Once that is done a bit of forgiveness work for anyone who may have abused the client, including maybe the person(s) who sexually molested this client at a very young age. The research shows that 81% of all sex addicts were sexually abused. In my practice 95% of them were sexually abused before they even had any idea of what sexual contact was. They were too young at the age of ten or twelve to know. This idea that such a young person would be treated in this respect, to be “special” in that the manner in which the interaction was done was certainly something the aggressor would never want to be known, while at the same time the youth feels “special” in some sort of way, making it easier to go back into this sort of behavior later in life, when the stress of life or of the memories that are so hurtful. The sex addiction is serving the purpose of allowing the mind to quiet those feelings of depreciation of the self. The fact that sexual expression is one of the most pleasant feelings a person can experience only makes the addiction to sex even more compelling.

As you go about your business reading about these famous individuals having all these issues come to light, ask yourself if it seems from the news that you are hearing whether or not the person involved has perhaps a deeper issue that needs to be resolved then the fact that he was no longer happy in his marriage.

After seeing clients for the past six years for this particular problem, I can assure you that the majority of men who show up to release sexual addiction would be people that you would never think harbor such a mental/emotional dysfunction. They are for the most part physically attractive, kind yet frustrated individuals. Many of them hold down professional jobs or are self-employed. Hardly the sort of person you may imagine would have this particular problem. And, no, the idea of their having children to molest is over drawn in my opinion. Once again the reason why a man would go out of his marriage to pursue his sex provider is because he is not being given the sort of reassurance that he is loved for who he is, or in the more complex cases, never was able to organically form what is a natural right of passage. He was unable to form any emotional attachment to the primary care giverer disallowing the sort of “normal” relationship with a woman that would allow for a long term relationship to be successful.

The interesting thing about these individuals is that they are more fearful of themselves and their lack of self-control then anything else. My clients know that without help they can lose everything that means anything to them at all including their family, their job and in rare instances their freedom. They just need to know that there is a safe and respectful manner in which to get their issues resolved so that they can release themselves from this disorder. It is totally possible for them to do so as my practice has proven. My clients lose the desire to even go on the internet searching for the women they once felt compelled to find, fulling the time and energy on that useless activity with activities that serve a deeper meaning to them. All of them have gotten more involved with their own families which is a very good thing given that many of them have young children who need their dads in their lives. And of course the relationships with their significant others are worked on and strengthened if the client is interested in allowing that to occur. In other cases the client learns how to create better boundaries allowing for better choices in the people who hie chooses to date, allowing for a  healthier bond to form.

Hypnosis is a wonderfully natural way to clear this issue. Of course the client has to be ready to give up the world of seduction, willing to enter the world of engagement to create more fulfilling relationships for it to work.  If you are a person who is battling this particular problem, do look for a hypnotist who has experience working with sex addicts, who understands the underlying physiology and emotional issues that require resolution for successful treatment to occur. You can look on their websites for meaningful testimonials and blog postings that educate the public about the subject to know that you have someone who truly can assist you this most sensitive of issues.

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