Is Inner Conflict Stopping You From Doing Something Important In Your Life?

Vol. 59, December 2007

Perhaps you can think of a time in your life when you felt that a part of you felt one way while another part of you felt a different way. Perhaps this inner conflict created difficulty in achieving some goal that you may have wanted to achieve. A simple example of how this can work is in the quitting of smoking. Even though the client wants to stop smoking there is a part of them that is not ready and keeps sabotaging the goal. It is this part that is being run by the unconscious mind. Continue reading

Is Your Relationship Destroying You? 9 Emotional Abuse Symptoms and How to Deal with Them

Volume 178, Nov. 30, 2012

It is amazing to me how many of my clients come in telling me of their loving relationships. You know all the great things their partner does for and with them. And then after a little bit of chit chat the truth slowly comes out once piece at a time. This is usually done by defending the perpetrator of unkindnesses toward them in some fashion, making up stories as to why it is okay to be treated in this inhumane manner. I am here to tell you that it is NEVER okay to be treated in this way. Below are 9 symptoms that you are being emotionally abused. You will know that this is true not only by reading and relating these symptoms to yourself. No, I would say that you will be able to feel your insides being turned upside down as you feel inside your gut that this is a situation that you need to finally address. Why? Because it is taking you out of your own life, making you feel guilty, sad, guilty, incompetent with a general feeling of unworthiness all the while feeling all alone in the world. Allowing this inhumane treatment to continue you will find yourself feeling insecure, scared, anxious and depressed. The interesting thing here is that the only person who is allowing this to continue is you. So take a gander at the list of symptoms and then I will give you some strategies to help you to extricate yourself from this unnecessary abuse.

 

  1. You feel neglected or ignored, probably indicating that you are no longer the main interest of you partner. Being ignored is the true opposite of being loved.
  2. Makes insults or calls you names, which is the opposite of being respected.
  3. Makes threats to you, your family, friends or pets. Intimidation has no place in a loving relationship, period, forcing an isolation of you from your support system.
  4. Humiliates and criticizes you, maybe with the use of sarcastic jokes where you are the target of such comments. Demeaning a person is hurtful and unloving.
  5. Limits access to work, makes you miss work, interrupts you while you are at work, keeps you from choosing the job or career of your own choice, or not letting you work at all. This is a controlling behavior to keep you sublimated to this individual and dependent.
  6. Does not give you your basic needs such as food and clothing. This is mostly true if it is a one earner family. Without the basic survival needs taken care of there is no sense of security allowing for the ability to move onto more complex human needs being fulfilled.
  7. Destroys your belongings demonstrating a lack of respect for not just your stuff, but you.
  8. Disrupts your sleep, disallowing you to function normally.
  9. Yells and screams at you, maybe including raging at you, many times blaming you for things you have no control over.

 

I agree that when a person is under stress, feeling bogged down in negative work and/or family environments symptoms of depression such as anger and control can result. The question one needs to ask one’s self is who is in control of changing these situations?

 

Look, the only person who can stand up for you and what you care about in your world is you. If you allow another to insult and control your life, you need to ask yourself a serious question? Why is it okay for me to allow another to treat me in this manner? Why do I even allow it? And, you know what happens when one answers that question, after they get sick of blaming all the people of their lives who may have had some influence while a kid? The realization that until the condition is made that this behavior is no longer going to be tolerated, that the bully in their life is no longer able to take away their souls, nothing is going to change.

 

Once one makes the decision that one is entitled to loving, caring, giving people in one’s life, all of a sudden the necessary help to get out of a deplorable situation arrives. Usually one has no idea that the person was there to help in the first place. That is until you, the person being belittled is open about your truth, and then before you know it, the way is found.

 

You see, the only person that is holding you back from finding an enjoyable and fulfilled life is you. It really doesn’t matter what the circumstances are, and how hopeless the situation seems. There are many people with much less then you, with more responsibilities than you perhaps, who were able to say “no” to the abuse and take a stand for what mattered. Sometimes this is done to protect children who are being abused in one or more ways by a spouse, sometimes it is done because life has gotten so unbearable the only other option felt like death. Whatever the reason, the strong realize that the only way to turn around one’s life, is to first make the decision that there is no way that this behavior by another is to be tolerated. Engaging the assistance of others to help get out of the situation is required.

 

There is help. However, you have to be honest about your situation in order to claim it.

How do I know this? Because in the course of my professional life, I have helped many abused people of all ages starting from the bullying of the young to the abused husband to turn around their lives. It is indeed possible once you learn how to speak to people in a manner that is assertive, without being aggressive or whiny while taking the steps required to move on with your own life.

 

The first suggestion I have is for you to tell the abuser that whatever the problems, that the abuser is responsible for whatever needs to be changed, not you.

 

The second suggestion is to allow the abuser to know that you are no longer living under the dictates given. Intolerable behavior will not be tolerated any longer. You do this by stating the behavior calmly and directly and tell the abuser what you expect instead. And then you walk away from the conversation.

 

The third suggestion is to let the abuser know that you will give them the option of seeking professional help for themselves, as you do the same for yourself because you each need to address why this occurred in the first place. No relationship counseling will help till the underlying issues are resolved individually first.

 

The fourth suggestion is to follow through and do as you say you will. Without follow-through the cycle repeats and the only person who is responsible is, of course you.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Dominique Strauss Kahn : Which one might be a sex addict? – Vol. 103, May 26, 2011

First, I need to be clear that I have never met either of the gentlemen being spoken of in this posting. I have however, worked in the area of sex addictions for the past six years and have written a book that will be published in the next few months on the subject. The following is just my opinion based on the media attention that these two famous males have had focused on them.

Sexual addiction occurs when a person is unable to stop the impulsive behavior regardless of the damaging effects of that behavior. There is a biological basis for the dopamine rush that a person gets when they take the risk involved in acting in a manner that goes against societal norms. When men are addicted to the sexual behavior they are in an altered state as they go on the hunt for the woman who will fulfill his orgasmic need.

It is interesting to note that for a man to become sexually addicted he will have never had the normal emotional attachment form with his primary caregiver, usually because this person was either negligent or unavailable to fulfill his needs whether it be on the physical level or the emotional. Without the ability to attach to another person in the normal manner, the sexual addict is unable to form any sort of long term relationship with a primary partner. Instead he will get his needs taken care as he feels them, unable to commit to any relationship, even if it means feeling lonely and unfulfilled by the sexual relations that he experiences.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has allegedly had several affairs over the twenty-five years he has been married to Maria Shriver. He has proven to be able to attach to these women one after the other, with them truly caring about him in return. Just because a man has a hankering for an affair, does not make him a sex addict. It most likely says more about his lack of fulfillment by the relationship that he is in, not feeling appreciated, or perhaps not experiencing the type of sexual play that he would prefer from the woman with whom he is married.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn formally of the International Monetary Fund, has a very different history from Arnold Schwarznegger. Here is a man who was notorious for groping strangers, women who held high governmental positions without any regard for who they were or why they were in a particular meeting with him. Many women who had to interact with him given the high status of his job, did all they could to not be left alone in a room with him. Even though it was a known fact that Strauss-Kahn acted in this despicable manner, nothing was ever done to protect these woman from him. Understand that this sort of behavior is very aggressive and hateful, crossing a boundary with the women with whom he came into contact.

Please note that most sex addicts are men who will find women to fulfill their sexual needs, usually in the sex trade, being paid for the services they render. It is only a very small proportion of the sexual addicts who would ever act in such a overtly demeaning manner, most likely less than five to ten percent. I want to be clear about his point. The reason that Dominique Strauss-Kahn could be considered a sex addict based on the reports in the news, is because he is unable to keep from being involved in sexual behavior regardless of the damage that it could and ultimately did cause in his career and personal life. The behavior centered on Dominique Strauss-Kahn pushing himself onto women who were not interested in being with him, doing so frequently. He was known for this inappropriate behavior yet never was stopped by any of his superiors.

When one thinks of a man who is having an affair with another woman, it very well could mean that he is unhappy with the woman that he is with, desiring something more in line with fulfilling his own needs. For if a normal man’s sense of self is being admired, appreciated and acknowledged, an affair would not be on the horizon.

With a sex addict, there is no hesitation to move forward to get his “fix”, regardless of perhaps destroying the relationship that he is in, hurting his children’s concept of who he is as well as destroying the relationship that he is in with their mother. All that matters for this man is that he get what he is after, much as a dope addict has to get his drugs to continue going on, the sex addict needs his sexual release or he will not feel whole.

What can be done about sex addiction? Well, there are a few 12-step programs that are oriented toward this particular problem. However, as noted in many of our other postings about the 12-step process it is clear that this is not the preferred manner in which to receive treatment. For those of you who are new to these postings I will point out to you that it is at the 12-step programs that fellowship members are forced to get up and state to the whole group that they a powerless over their addictions. What this means is that the the members of these groups have no hope of having days without cravings. Worse than that is the function of the unconscious mind to store everything that you say and hear inside the gray cells of the brain. This means that the addict will always think of himself/herself as an addict thus having the thoughts and behaviors that go along with having an addiction. There would never be a time that the urges will be gone, which of course is why the 12-step programs have about a five percent success rate, no better than the percentage of people who would be able to stop on their own.

It is only through reframing the way the addict interprets his world that he will be able to let go of the underlying issue for his problems. It really isn’t the sex addiction that is the problem. The sex addiction is only there as a “presenting problem” allowing us to know that there is an underlining cause to the addictive behavior. This is because all addictive behavior exists to allow the mind to not have to think of anything that may be hurtful or disagreeable to the conscious mind. This is why hypnotism is such a great way to deal with this issue. One needs to go into the unconscious mind to find out what the emotional hurt is allowing us to assist the client in releasing all the negative emotions that were underlying the specific sexual behavior. Once that is done a bit of forgiveness work for anyone who may have abused the client, including maybe the person(s) who sexually molested this client at a very young age. The research shows that 81% of all sex addicts were sexually abused. In my practice 95% of them were sexually abused before they even had any idea of what sexual contact was. They were too young at the age of ten or twelve to know. This idea that such a young person would be treated in this respect, to be “special” in that the manner in which the interaction was done was certainly something the aggressor would never want to be known, while at the same time the youth feels “special” in some sort of way, making it easier to go back into this sort of behavior later in life, when the stress of life or of the memories that are so hurtful. The sex addiction is serving the purpose of allowing the mind to quiet those feelings of depreciation of the self. The fact that sexual expression is one of the most pleasant feelings a person can experience only makes the addiction to sex even more compelling.

As you go about your business reading about these famous individuals having all these issues come to light, ask yourself if it seems from the news that you are hearing whether or not the person involved has perhaps a deeper issue that needs to be resolved then the fact that he was no longer happy in his marriage.

After seeing clients for the past six years for this particular problem, I can assure you that the majority of men who show up to release sexual addiction would be people that you would never think harbor such a mental/emotional dysfunction. They are for the most part physically attractive, kind yet frustrated individuals. Many of them hold down professional jobs or are self-employed. Hardly the sort of person you may imagine would have this particular problem. And, no, the idea of their having children to molest is over drawn in my opinion. Once again the reason why a man would go out of his marriage to pursue his sex provider is because he is not being given the sort of reassurance that he is loved for who he is, or in the more complex cases, never was able to organically form what is a natural right of passage. He was unable to form any emotional attachment to the primary care giverer disallowing the sort of “normal” relationship with a woman that would allow for a long term relationship to be successful.

The interesting thing about these individuals is that they are more fearful of themselves and their lack of self-control then anything else. My clients know that without help they can lose everything that means anything to them at all including their family, their job and in rare instances their freedom. They just need to know that there is a safe and respectful manner in which to get their issues resolved so that they can release themselves from this disorder. It is totally possible for them to do so as my practice has proven. My clients lose the desire to even go on the internet searching for the women they once felt compelled to find, fulling the time and energy on that useless activity with activities that serve a deeper meaning to them. All of them have gotten more involved with their own families which is a very good thing given that many of them have young children who need their dads in their lives. And of course the relationships with their significant others are worked on and strengthened if the client is interested in allowing that to occur. In other cases the client learns how to create better boundaries allowing for better choices in the people who hie chooses to date, allowing for a  healthier bond to form.

Hypnosis is a wonderfully natural way to clear this issue. Of course the client has to be ready to give up the world of seduction, willing to enter the world of engagement to create more fulfilling relationships for it to work.  If you are a person who is battling this particular problem, do look for a hypnotist who has experience working with sex addicts, who understands the underlying physiology and emotional issues that require resolution for successful treatment to occur. You can look on their websites for meaningful testimonials and blog postings that educate the public about the subject to know that you have someone who truly can assist you this most sensitive of issues.

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Highly Sensitive People Crave Peace and Calm: Here Are 6 Tips To Work with it for an Outstanding Life – Vol. 177, Nov. 30, 2012

Are you or do you know someone who is feels easily overwhelmed by things things that don’t bother most other people – sirens, barking dogs, kids screaming, long social interactions? This same person feels very comfortable at home in the peace and quiet of their own home. These people need time to “just be” without any obligations. According to the research done by Elaine Aron this issue affects 15 to 20% of the population each gender equally effected. Though many of these people may seem to be shy, 30% or actually extroverts.

There is a name for people who have this personality type called “highly sensitive person” or HSP, also known as having sensory processing sensitivity. This personality type has been researched for over 20 years by Dr. Elaine Aron. She states that this has no relation to either Sensory Processing Disorder or Sensory Integration Disorder. It is something that according to the brain research that Dr. Aron has done is part of the genetic make in people as well as animals for survival.

Highly Sensitive people need to do things a bit differently than the rest of the 80% of us who are non-highly sensitive. First realize that their brains operate significantly differently. These are deeply thoughtful people, needing to think things through thoroughly before making a decision. They are highly sensitive to the emotions of others. They also get exhausted by being over stimulated. These are folks who would rather have a deep meaningful conversation with a close friend than hang out at a huge party full of superficial conversations.

The best methods to take care of one’s self if highly sensitive is to first respect the fact that you are a thoughtful person. You can achieve much if you are able to respect your mind for the gifts that it has given you by using it in the manner that it best operates.

Here are some suggestions to help you out from Dr. Aron:

1. Take naps if needed. Get at least 8 hours of sleep at night.
2. Move more slowly so you can observe what is going on, doing it once and correctly.
3. Begin and end your day slowly.
4. Work your eight hours and then allow yourself to rest. You will get more accomplished in that time than others do in twice the time multitasking and getting things done wrong or incomplete.
5. Being more emotional than other people allows for the deep thinking about those things that you care about. Be okay with the fact that you may cry or blush easier than others. This quality allows you to have much stronger friendships.
6. Do work that is meaningful to you and if you can, be self-employed.

Being the high energy person that I innately am, a non-sensitive,  I need the highly sensitive people in my life to teach me to slow down, be respectful of the space that others require and to be okay in being flexible in how I relate to them. All great gifts for a hypnotists such as myself in being able to enter the world of my clients to better help them heal. It has to be done their way for it to work.

Here is the link to Dr. Aron’s website: http://www.hsperson.com/

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Blow Out Your War Traumas Now!

Recently I did some hypnotic work on a gentleman who works with war veterans down in Israel. It so happened that he was interested in having me work with the Israeli soldiers utilizing the same hypnotic techniques that helped him to let go of his own childhood traumas.

I was relating this opportunity to a radio hostess between segments and she suggested I read the book “Flashback” by Penny Coleman. Continue reading

Your Employees Not Productive Enough? Here Are Seven Solutions For You – Vol. 176, Nov.23, 2012

It seems that as the economy has been taking a hit of late, more of my clients are complaining of the undo stress they feel they are under at their jobs. In some cases these people used to love their jobs, believing in the mission of the work they do. In many cases they also got along well with their fellow co-workers feeling that the work that they did together was an important contribution to those they served. With all the down sizing of the larger companies and mergers and acquisitions there are many stressors that the employees feel. Some companies make it a policy to go through laying off employees on a regular basis. This creates a feeling of instability by employees who may even have a secure job, though never really believe that because one does not want to feel over confident while lay offs are happening throughout the company.

With the pulling in on the financials to bring ever greater profits to companies, many of the once counted on benefits are vanishing. Pensions have turned into 401K plans leaving many employees wondering what they will have for retirement unclear in how to invest on their own. Others, are seeing their health benefits getting more expensive as their pay is cut in real terms with a less than cost of living increase while their share of the premiums go up. Many are finding that they are receiving the same pay as the previous year with the real income given the decline in the dollar going down.

In some companies one unfair manager demonstrating favoritism for one person, while antagonizing others, will do more harm to your organization leading star performers to leave. This puts a further burden on the employees who have to take over the job responsibilities of the departed employee.

The end result of all this stress is unmotivated, depressed and anxious ridden employees who feel trapped in a job that they no longer enjoy, working for managers or employers they feel don’t give a damn about them any longer.

What can be done on the employer’s end of the deal to create a better work environment?

1. Understand that it would be ridiculous to believe that a person who is unsure of having a job tomorrow is going to be in the best frame of mind to be productive for you. Stop the conversations of layoffs before they come through and instead speak to the positive contributions that your employees are making to the wider organization.
2. If there is one employee who is particularly negative, undermining the moral of your organization, it would behoove you to take some constructive action toward getting that employee into a happier place. If that is not possible, best to hand over the pink slip.
3. If there is something that is going wrong on the production end of things, ask the employees what they need to make things operate more smoothly. They know the job and can give you great suggestions if asked (instead of told what to do).
4. If an employee is acting differently such as: isolating from a group s/he was once a part of, is overly emotional, or taking a lot longer to get things done then before, you have someone on your hands who is going through some sort of crisis either at work or at home. The quicker you get some help for that employee either through your employee assistance program or let them know that they are to get help for their problem, the better off your whole organization will be.
5. If your employees are not getting along, bring in a consultant to help to get them working together again. An outside voice can do wonders to bring a new way of communicating  with one another while dealing with the underlying issues.
6. As the manager or employer, you will get much more respect and assistance from your employees if you are willing to do whatever it is that you are asking them to do.
7. If health issues are a particular problem in your work place a program that introduces wellness and health would be a good way to implement some useful changes bringing more energy and enthusiasm to your employees. These programs can deal with anything from smoking cessation, to eating healthier, working out regularly or learning how to better handle stress, the underlying culprit behind lost revenue.

Remember that your employees are people with feelings and needs, same as you. Treat them with the same respect that you would like to be treated. Employers who are understanding of the needs and concerns of their employees will find that the lost productivity due to lack of energy, being out ill or hurt or having a lack of moral losing interest in your company will be headed off. According to the World Health Organization American work places are losing $300 Billion due to stress. Wouldn’t you be happy to reclaim your business’s  part of that money?

Getting to “The Cause” of the Problem

Volume 65, June 2008

I have most recently been working with a woman who has been battling alcoholism for the better part of 30 years. She is a very bright woman who at times feels as if she is not so bright, because in her own mind, if she were she would be able to live a normal life without this particular problem and all the other problems it creates.

I would gather that most of you realize that most people who drink to excess would prefer not to, however they are uncertain as to how to stop. Continue reading

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