Mar 16 2013

Incest: Is Your Parent Out of Bounds with Their Treatment of You sexually? How to Protect Yourself?

Adult Content .. Penn St officials head to cou...

Adult Content .. (Jul 1, 2012 ) … (Photo credit: marsmet524)

 

Vol. 192, March 16, 2013

 

According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network 44% of the victims are under age 18 and 80% are under age 30. Every two minutes someone is sexually assaulted in the United States accounting for 207,754 occurrences. A friend or acquaintance will commit the assault 38% of the time. There really are no statistics on what proportion of these assaults are involving incest.

 

Unfortunately for many of the woman who come into my practice with addictions and eating disorders, there has been a history of some sort of sexual betrayal by a family member. In most cases it is by their father.  In many cases the women feel that their mothers knew what was happening, yet didn’t do anything to stop the unwanted attention. In other cases the women confronted their mothers about the abuse just to be told that they were making it up and then were scolded in some fashion. There are many reasons that this could be the reaction. One could be that the mother feels she has no control of the situation being dependent on her husband for her own survival needs. She may not be in good health, either emotionally or physically and therefore is not in a position to create more problems. Or it may be that the family is well known and respected in the community and unwilling to damage that credibility. Of course this only furthers the damage done to the one who has been victimized. The younger the individual is when the abuse happened the deeper the emotional problems will most likely be. In the case of my eating disorder and drug addict cases, they often wonder why they are even alive.

 

In the case of the sex addicts who come in to see me, the statistics show that 81% of them have been sexually abused. In my practice I have found that the great majority of these men were sexually abused before they were even old enough to be sexually active themselves.

 

It is very sad that this is the case knowing the amount of people out there who are holding onto hurt feelings, unable to trust people enough to allow any real sense of being closeness to another to form. This leaves many feeling lonely and in many cases without any relationships of any true meaning even on the basic level of friendship. Being people, we are like ants and bees, social beings that need to interact with others to feel loved, appreciated and secure.

 

With this in mind I would like you to think about the situation that you are in or were in while younger and if it was a situation where your boundaries were being crossed by a parent. In many cases no sexual intercourse is required for ill feelings to be felt, resulting in the emotional distancing from others to occur. I have had some female clients with whom their parent was just touching their thigh a bit too high for it to feel “innocent.” I have had others where the sex play was something they were involved in and even though they knew it wasn’t okay, went along with it anyway, now feeling very guilty about the whole situation.

 

If you are under age, it becomes a difficult situation. However, if you go to a counselor by law they will have to report it. IF you are an older person, do what you can to get out of the situation. The person who is involved has no understanding of the damage that is being done to you, and worse probably is incapable of caring enough to change.

 

Once you are out of the situation, do yourself a favor and get some help. The best help  is where you can be desensitized from the ill effects of this terrible injustice that has been done to you. On top of that there needs to be a sense of forgiveness for the acts done against you by any and all who were involved. The reason for this is because the anger that you are holding is only damaging you at this point. It is much better to realize that the person(s) involved were sick in their own right and deal with it from that point of view. I know this can be a hard one to take, and yet, I have had many clients come in to my practice who have been able to better understand that it was what it was and to let it go. In this way the past no longer is interfering with the clients’ present or future. Life is so much better when one is able to do that. Just make sure that you work with a practitioner who is sensitive to your need to heal without the need to blame anyone for the situation. Blaming is inflaming, and never healing regardless of the situation at hand.

 

 

 

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Mar 09 2013

Serious Young Athletes Experiencing Anxiety Can Be Helped With Hypnosis!

Vol. 45, December 2006

In the last couple years I have had a few young serious sports competitors come in to work with me to relieve anxiety issues around their competitions. The kids are very interested in coming in to do the work so they can get back on track, which makes it very easy to accomplish the goal of relieving them of any symptoms due to their anxiety. I want to share a couple of cases to demonstrate how well this sort of intervention can work for these passionate kids. Continue reading

Mar 09 2013

Out Galavanting With Strangers: Do You Know Who You Are Having Sex With? It Matters To Your Health and Well Being

176/365 - Always Kiss Me GoodnightVol. 191, March 9, 2012

Online dating is a $4 billion industry, with over 40 million people involved as of the statistics for 2010 here in the United States. As a divorced woman for a few years now, I have found fraud on both the paid sites and the free sites, so use your brain when using both. The screening mechanisms are only as reliable as the respondent’s answers. What this means is that you best beware what you are dealing with, being smart upfront doing your own screening process. If it is too good to be true, it most likely is. This isn’t to say that one can’t meet a decent person online. I know a few people who have. However, I would like you to think about your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well being as you go about finding a suitable partner. Because the reality is that even when we think we know someone, as when we are introduced to someone by a friend, we still have no way of really knowing what that person is capable of under pressure until we are willing to see the truth for what it is. Sadly, few people are willing to do this wanting to believe that the person they are with is “the one”, desperate for love and companionship. Please do yourself a favor and keep your wits about you. From my own experiences, though there have been some positive dates, this can indeed be a rough world to navigate for many will hide behind the computer pretending to be something they are not, or interested in you when indeed they have other agendas in mind.

I signed up for a few different sites over the years finding that even the paid sites had people who were out there trying to scam me. I had one guy who said he lived in California and wanted to meet me. The only problem was that he needed me to send him some money. Why would a man need me to send him money if I am the one to do the travel? Obviously this was a scammer. I found this to be true when I went online to google his name after this rather curious request finding no one anywhere was listed with his particular name as he claimed it to be.

There was another man that I met on another site and we only messaged back and forth on the site a few times. That was a good thing given that at first he gave me the idea that he was a successful business man. A couple of messages later he was asking me to send $5,000 over to him in Nigeria. He said his son had come down with malaria and he hadn’t any way to access his own money for medical care and no way to get back home to the US. Needless to say, yet another scam.

I have met emotionally unstable men and even one who had no idea in how to curb his own sexually disgusting needs. It didn’t go far since we were outside in public and both clothed, needless to say it was an uncomfortable situation.

Even the “nice” ones who are wiling to take me out, yet have little interest in any of the things that I care about, are not dating material so far as I am concerned. For any relationship to become something more there has to be some shared interests and a willingness to be present for one another.

As bad as these experiences of mine were, beware of the fact that 10% of those who are online dating are sexual offenders. They will lie about who they are putting up fake profiles so you won’t know.

Men will lie about their age, height and income while woman will lie about their age and weight using older pictures. Even with these statistics, 17% of married couples met online. (http://americasbride.com/blog/2012/07/online-dating-service-statistics-marriage-statistics/) .

Lastly, do think about the issue regarding sexually transmitted diseases. The huffingtonpost.com article “STD Facts: Shocking Statistics You May Not Know About STDS” states that one in two sexually active young people will have a STD by the time they are 25 years old. There are more than 19 million reported cases every year. This doesn’t even count those who are without symptoms and unknowingly spreading disease. One would think that people would think this through before going forward with a virtual stranger. However, once the hormones get running, the sexual relations take place and before one knows it one is given a STD. Men are not very good about using condoms or even being prepared, I have found out. Women need to take this under consideration as well as the need for birth control if this is still an issue to be contended with.

I have to say that I go on and off about the whole on-line dating deal. It is one thing to go out to meet people and have a good time. It is quite another to get one’s hopes up only to find that you found yourself in yet another frustrating, emotionally time consuming situation without any hope of it becoming what one would want. At this time, I am quite contented just going about doing those things that bring meaning to my own life. For you the choice may be different. Just make sure that you are being honest with yourself and good luck on your search.

 

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Mar 02 2013

Replacing Water with H2O: Medication versus Abused Drugs?

Vol. 87 April, 2010- Replacing Water with H2O: Medication versus Abused Drugs?

Article Written by Donna N.

I recently was made aware of a woman who needed to stop abusing drugs and went to her doctor, who prescribed a “medication” to help her accomplish this. In the process of her accomplishment which was the stopping of abusing drugs, she got addicted to the medication which was prescribed for her to do this.

Why is it whenever we have a symptom or a health problem, and we go to a doctor, the first line of defense is a prescription for some sort of pill, even if it is not needed. Continue reading

Mar 02 2013

Wondering if Your Spouse Is A Sex Addict? If So, What Do You Do About It?

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20100803 1934 – Cape Cod – Tavern – Chase – sex addiction shirt – IMG_1798 (Photo credit: Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombasticos (ClintJCL))

Vol.190, March 2

With 53% of all marriages ending in divorce, with 41% of marriages having infidelity being evident, and with 40 million people in the United States sexually involved with the internet, (Exposing Porn: Science, Religion, and the New Addiction, Paul Strand. Christian Broadcasting Network, 2004) one would have to give merit to the idea that there is something going on in our homes that may be more prevalent than we may wish to believe.

How do you know if your significant other is a sex addict versus just being tired of the relationship that is being experienced with you?

Sex addicts are sex addicts because they are unable to stop acting out their impulses regardless of the huge price that may be paid in loss of relationships with their spouse, losing their family, losing their job and in 10% of cases of illicit paid sex, ending up behind bars (with 90% of prostitutes getting arrested).

Some signs to be aware of in this situation would be: finding your mate spending inordinate amounts of time at his computer, no longer coming to bed at a reasonable hour, finding your partner engaging in frequent massages where he is getting his releases done for him there and maybe escalating to seeing escorts to fulfill his every sexual fantasy.

The inability to form normal attachments in primary relationships is the core reason for sex addiction to form. This goes back to never being nurtured fully while an infant, never attaching normally to the primary guardian. I have written about this more extensively in my book Do I Have A Sex Addiction? Now What? Which you can get for a small investment through this website or through amazon.com.

What you need to know as the partner to this gentleman is that it is not your fault and never was your fault. What you also need to know is that like most addictions one cannot force another to face up to the fact until one is ready to do so. If you realize that your spouse really does want to stop and hasn’t the ability to do so, you are probably dealing with a sex addict.

So what are you to do in such a case? Well, the first thing you need to do is figure out if you are willing to go through the emotional ups and downs of being with a person who isn’t capable of truly loving you in the “normal fashion,” not because of the lack of desire, more because of the lack of true ability to do so. If he is willing to get help, he can learn how to love in the manner that is more in line with what we mean by using that word “love.”

I have treated many men who have come to me for sex addiction over the past several years and in the great majority of cases where their was a primary relationship, and the partner was aware of the situation she was supportive of her partner receiving the help needed. So, the marriage needn’t end if you are both committed to have it work out. Though, there are going to be some realizations regarding how to best address the issue of the sexuality as expressed both in and out of the marriage. Appropriate boundaries that work for both of you will need to be formulated and abided by as a deeper respect for the relationship and each other is formed.

In some cases, the marriages are dissolved more as a result of one or both of the partners realizing that they are not ready for the commitment that a marriage requires.In these cases many of my clients have remained close friends with one another.

No matter what your specific case may be, there is hope that you can get through this issue with the correct respect given the understanding of what is really behind the behavior and a willingness to work through it. Like any addiction, this is an illness that needs appropriate treatment.

In my practice I help my clients to let go of their addiction and form boundaries with others they never had before. I teach them respect for themselves and for others through hands on exploration of the relationships in which they are currently involved. For the partners who are aware of the problem, we deal with a better understanding of what needs to happen for a better sexual relationship for the two of them. This is because more often than not the sex addicted partner feels unable to express what his true desires are for the sexual relationship having felt he “put off” his mate previously with asking for the fulfillment of the sex play of his fantasies.

Another aspect of this whole issue is the relative ease the female partner has with her own body and sexuality. It is sad that given the religious backgrounds of many, that the inherent ability to express one’s sexuality is condemned as a person comes into their sexual expression as if there is something wrong with being sexual. Many women have no idea what sort of sexual play is fun and fulfilling for them being told that masturbation is wrong and that sexual relations outside of baby making are prohibited. With these sorts of ill gotten beliefs of his mate, any male with ten times the testosterone of a female will find other ways to take care of his immediate sexual needs. Unfortunately, for the man with an attachment disorder, this will lead him right into sexual addiction.

With any relationship it does indeed take both parts to have a healthy interdependence. If there is a problem both need to be willing to look below the surface of blame or excuse making to heal the issues that are the reasons for the destructive behavior. When this is done, the relationships can and do heal in my experience working with this population.

 

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Feb 23 2013

Vol. 92, September 2010 – What’s A Human Life Worth?

Written by Donna N.

I was listening to the news on the radio while driving home recently and a man came on and gave a 3 minute commentary that is still sticking in my mind. No matter how hard I try to forget his words, I cannot.

What he said disturbs me even now, over a week later.

Most of us know that the person dubbed the “Craiglist killer”  committed suicide recently.  Why this person felt the need to take his own life can only be speculated now. Why the person giving the commentary said what he said can only be guessed by me, because I am not sure it is even worth the time to find him to inquire. What I believe is that this person has little regard for human life. Continue reading

Feb 23 2013

So You Don’t Believe You Can Be an Ex-Drug Addict, I’ve Got Great News for You!

Open bottles of Extra Strength Tylenol and Ext...

Vol. 189, February 23, 2013

Donna N. Came to me about four and a half years ago, after being carted off to the hospital for observation for suicidality. The only problem with this scenario was that she was not suicidal at the time that the psychiatric social worker had the cops take her away. It was this humiliating and unnecessary incident that lead Donna to seek out an alternative practitioner to help her let go of her prescription drug abuse, leading her to me.

Since that time, Donna has come through some other more harrowing events that are partially written about in the book she co-authored with me Wake Up Doctors: 10 Steps To Reclaim You Patients Respect and Trust which you can access from the opt-in box on this website. That story continues as she is still figuring out all the medical issues involved with the book being updated accordingly. However, there is something more interesting in respect to Donna’s previous drug habit that you ought to know about.

Valentine’s Day February 14th at 4:30 AM Donna was leaving for work as she usually does. We had a very large snow storm leaving many surfaces such as the stairs out of her building icy. Though it was well lit, Donna didn’t see the black ice, suddenly finding herself falling down, sliding to the bottom of the stairs. By the time she hit the bottom step she had broken her wrist in two places.

Her wrist was hurting so bad that she was offered some pain pills at the hospital. She said she can’t take anything. The doctor asked why. She told them that the last time she took Tylenol she reacted to it, which they could find reference to from the last time she was at this hospital. She continued explaining that she didn’t need a medication reaction on top of the pain from the break. The hospital staff told her that they would give her some Motrin and she could stay there to make sure she would be okay. The Motrin helped for a little bit. However, her treating doctor didn’t want her taking Motrin because of the damage that it could cause to her liver. He suggested she take a Tylenol with codeine which was prescribed as follows: “Take one tablet every 8 hours as needed for pain.” When Donna got home she took a quarter of pill not really wanting deal with any reactions. This amount didn’t create any reactions in he,r so she took the rest of the pill.

Now, what is so interesting is that the directions were to take “One tablet every 8 hours for pain as needed.” Donna has taken exactly one tablet a day, with it not really helping her. An addict would never have taken in the words “as needed” on the bottle. They would have just taken it. She also pointed out to me that an addict would never be able to stop taking the codeine tablets, especially with opiates having been her drugs of choice in the day. An addict would have found themselves quickly taking more than was prescribed getting “high” off of them. Donna did state that she got that “spacey feeling” finding that it was much less alluring than it was previous to her treatment with me. She had zero inclination to take any more of the drug, stopping at that one pill.

So, you judge: Is Donna still and addict, or do you believe that it is indeed possible for one to be healed of this issue and be able to respond to the drugs in the cautious manner that Donna currently does?

 

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