Jun 20 2013

6 Ways to Make Someone Like You

6 Ways to Make Someone Like You – Vol. 205, June 20, 2013

How would you like your life to become both happier and more productive? With these six principles in Dale Carnegie’s Win Friends And Influence People you will find very simple and useful ways to get people to like you.

Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people. Think about a time when you were going through a difficult time. Didn’t it feel great when someone demonstrated that they truly cared about you? If you have someone in your life that is going through a difficult time, be there and be supportive. You will find that through your interest in others, others will be interested in you.

Principle 2: Smile. Have you ever noticed that when you smile at someone you will most often get a smile back in return. Why? Because a smile tells the person that you are glad to see them. When this happens it brings happiness to both of you. No one wants to be around sour, snarly people. So do your best to be appreciative of those who are in you life by smiling at them. This will bring your relationships to a whole other level. To the clerks in the stores who have to deal with all sorts of unhappy people, your smile can bring the sunshine in.

Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Think about how you feel when someone calls you by something other than you name?  Does it bother you at all? If so, remember that. Ask how the person would like to be addressed and then call them by that name. This shows that you both respect and care for them allowing for a better relationship to form.

Principle 4: Be a good listener. I am sure that you have been involved in conversations where you could notice the person with whom you are speaking is barely paying you any mind. Maybe they asked a question and then they started to walk away while you were in mid-sentence. Or maybe you asked a question and the answer you received had nothing to do with the question. How did these situations make you feel?  Marginalized most likely. The best way to keep this from happening to you is to ask questions of the person that are truly interesting to you. This will make you a great conversationalist and with this skill you can accomplish much.

Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. This will gain you the other persons attention. By being aligned with that person’s interests you can develop deeper connections bringing you both mutual benefits.

Principle 6: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely, from the heart. this being one of the strongest components of human nature. The end result is to be instantly liked by this person. If there is someone in your life that plays an important role for you, by all means let them know it often and sincerely. No one likes to be taken for granted and no one can read your mind.

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Jun 13 2013

Sudden Loss: How to Cope

Sudden Loss: How to Cope – Vol. 204 – June 13, 2013

I went to church on Sunday as I usually do. It is a very small congregation comprised of a very close knit group who keep things running. I had gotten some very good news right before going over to the church and got dressed up to celebrate.

Sitting in my usual pew, in the second row, waiting for the service to begin, I heard one of the gentleman congregants telling the choir in the back of the church, far away from where I was sitting, of what sounded like a bad dream. I heard him tell the story of how just this morning the church got the news of a member’s untimely passing. She had just had knee replacement surgery a few days ago. She was in rehab where she got sepsis, passing away quickly from that blood infection. Apparently her daughter and husband were there with her when she passed away.

The thing that you need to know about this particular woman was that she was so happy to be a part of our church, just having become a member recently. She was finding all sorts of ways to help out from cleaning the kitchen to handling some of the finances. Her great amount of energy and enthusiasm, as great as they were paled in comparison to her cheerful and down to earth manner.

Two things went through my mind as I heard the news. One, was the horror of realizing that someone I cared about seemed to be a victim to our broken medical system. I agreed with the female congregant who asked: How could a woman who wasn’t even lame, capable of walking, be lead to have this surgery and a few days later be dead? The other thought that I had was how grateful I was to have known this woman, having volunteered with her at the church a few times. How, lucky I am for all the great relationships that I have in my life and knowing that this is what truly matters to me in my life.

I would like to have you think about all the people in your life and the meaning that they bring to you.

I would like you to think about the last time you let them know that they held a special place in your heart.

I would like you to think about the last time someone let you know that you held a special place in their heart and how that made you feel.

I would like you to think about how you can be more open and present to those who you care for and most especially those who care for you.

We Americans spend so much time worrying about the past hurts and future problems we have a hard time recognizing what truly matters in life. It isn’t the money, and it isn’t the crap that you feel you have to have in your life. It is the loving connections you have with those who allow you to be who you are as you allow them to be who they are, just enjoying those quiet moments together. A great life is one that is made up of meaningful moments with those you love. Remember that for that is the most healing message I can share with you as an outcome of this most recent tragic event.

 

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Jun 06 2013

Do You Want the Tortoise or The Hare Method?

Vol. 82 November 2009- Permanent Change-Do You Want the Tortoise or The Hare Method?

More than 8 million Americans seriously consider suicide each year according to a new government study and 32,000 actually are successful.

What is worse is that this data was compiled by a new report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration based on a survey of 46,190 people aged 18 and older.  In past years the survey had  been given to people who reported major depression but as of 2008 it was added to all questionnaires.

It was found that amongst people with a substance abuse disorder, 11% had considered suicide, compared to 3% for people without such disorders. Continue reading

Jun 06 2013

Do feel Like You Are A Fake? The Imposture Syndrome

Do feel Like You Are A Fake? The Imposture Syndrome  – Vol. 203, June 6, 2013

One of the more interesting things that I have learned since entering the practice of hypnosis, is how the “imposture syndrome” permeates the minds of some of the most successful people I work with. The good news is that it is a fairly easy issue to clear with hypnotic technique.

First I would like to speak to why it is that this particular issue arises in some of the most successful people on the planet. Then I will give you a case study from a past client to demonstrate the manner in which the clearing occurred.

When you were very little your well meaning parents and teachers may have given you very high standards upon which to work from. In so doing, it may have felt that no matter how good your grades were, they were never good enough to please these persons of authority in your life. So, you continued to work ever harder to please them with better grades and being a pleasing person. Still in your mind you never felt you lived up to those standards. Interestingly enough, what you did accomplish was most likely some high power, well paying position as a result of all your hard work and pleasing personality.

A second type of situation could be at work as was true in my past client’s case. He was a very successful sales manager and yet he thought of himself as a failure. He had two kids in college and one in prep school during the time that we worked together, all of this quite an expense to be able to keep up. However, he couldn’t see this as success. Why? Because when he was a small boy, his father the judge who was well respected in the town that he grew up in, came home and physically beat up his sons as well as verbally abusing them. It was like his father was two different people. He had his well respected professional persona and the very strict and harmful personal persona. The client realized during our work together that if he couldn’t trust his well respected father, than how could he respect himself and give himself credit for that which he accomplished? With this understanding he was able to realize that he wasn’t his father, while giving himself the credit he deserved for doing very well in his life, including a successful career and a loving family. By owning his own achievements he was able to let go of the “imposture syndrome” that had been sucking any sense of fulfillment out of his life until then.

The truth of the matter is that people can be harder on themselves than anybody else. With a deeper understanding and respect of the younger you, for all that you went through allowing for the success that you achieved, you too, can let go of the feeling that you are “faking it” through life. You will be able to give yourself the credit you are due. The result, is feeling proud of your accomplishments allowing yourself to shine more fully, living with the confidence and appreciation that you deserve going forward.

 

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May 30 2013

Pain: Can it Be In Your Mind? 30 Plus Years of Research Says it May Be

Vol. 202, May 30, 2013

Over the past few years I have been studying how our health care system has let us down. With doctors given no more than seven minutes per patient, they rarely have the time to really listen to your concerns. This has lead to the over prescribing of medications, expensive testing and even more expensive surgeries with poor results.

 

 

John E. Sarno, M.D. has been studying the whole area of mindbody disorders for over three decades having come to the conclusion that the medical model is broken. In his book “The Divided Mind: The Epidemic of Mindbody Disorders” he has built on the foundation of his original book “Healing Back pain”.

 

 

 

Going back to Freud who was the first to speak of the unconscious mind, to the present healers of today, Dr. Sarno explains that a patients’ physical symptoms were induced by the brain to serve a psychological purpose, which is his definition of a psychosomatic disorder. The brain actually causes physical changes in the body parts where blood flow has been reduced. This causes a slight reduction in oxygen causing the pain and other symptoms experienced. Dr. Sarno calls this response tension myositis syndrome (TMS). Since first recognizing this syndrome, Dr. Sarno has realized that nerve and tendon involvement is more common then the muscle tissue from which the name comes.

 

 

Many of the common medical problems of today fall under this umbrella of TMS:

 

 

 

  • Gastroesophageal reflux
  • Peptic ulcer
  • Esophagospasm
  • Hiatus hernia
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Spastic colitis
  • Tension headache
  • Migraine headache
  • Frequent urination not associate to medical conditions such as diabetes
  • Most cases of prostatitis and sexual dysfunction
  • Tinnitus (ringing in the ears) or dizziness not related to neurological disorder
  • Fibromyalgia
  • Carpel tunnel syndrome
  • Chronic pain syndrome
  • Rheumatoid arthritis

 

 

Dr. Sarno came to these conclusions after realizing that the medical treatment for the structural problems never permanently got rid of the problem. One would think that if one had a rotor cuff tear for example, and underwent surgery the problem would go away. That particular problem may have gone away, only to have another problem arise causing pain elsewhere in the body.

 

 

The primary gain from the cause of the pain, TMS, serves is the prevention of the conscious mind to become aware of unconscious feelings like rage or some emotional pain.

 

 

So next we come to the idea of prescribing psychopharmaceuticals to treat depression and anxiety which serve the same purpose for the individual as pain. According to Franz Alexander, one of Freud’s students, emotions plays a role in all illness. He believed that a biochemical formula being needed somewhere in the cortex of the brain will never account for the interpersonal longing that may cause depression for example. The symptom need not be the cause. Treating the symptoms of depression with a prescription drug does not take care of the cause of the problem, it merely masks the problem.

 

 

The most interesting observation though in the book is the acknowledgement that if the patient has the ability to heal themselves, what happens to the authority of the doctor?

 

 

Many years ago I had a client come in to see me, in so much pain she was bedridden for five years. This client was only in her late 30’s at the time. Her medical doctors and psychiatrist could not get to the cause of her problem. She had some surgery that was required for a physiological problem. Once she healed completely from that surgery, her surgeon told me that there was nothing there to physically cause her pain. He told me that he was out of options and that this may very well be a psychosomatic response. You can read her testimonial (here) .

 

 

In this particular case it was indeed feelings of anxiety and rage from the age of 4 that created this intractable pain of which my client was suffering. Once these emotions were released, the pain subsided and the client was able to get back into living a much more normal life finishing up her Ed.D. moving into a professional career in academia.

 

 

I would like you to ask yourself if you are finding that you are under much stress, have a history of being emotionally abused and if you are experiencing pain in your body in different places, or perhaps recurring pain in the same place regardless of the course of conventional medical treatment given? If so, you best look into the emotional components of your pain, because that very well may be the solution to your problem.

 

 

 

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May 18 2013

Grinding Your Teeth at Night or Perhaps All Day –Hypnotics Can Stop This Habit Safely and Quickly

Vol. 63, April 2008 – Grinding Your Teeth at Night or Perhaps All Day – Hypnotics Can Stop it

During  March of 2005, I had a gentleman referred to me for smoking cessation. You see he was going on a trip to France and wanted to be a non-smoker before he went. This however, was not the primary importance at the time we spoke. He had this other problem that needed to be addressed immediately. About eight years before his dentist had noticed that many of his teeth had been totally worn down. Some of them had cracks in them. He was told that the reason this had happened was because he was grinding his teeth. At that time he realized that he was always grinding his teeth, but had no idea why. He thought he was content in his life. His dentist told him that he would need $40,000 worth of dental work to keep his own teeth. He followed through and had the work done. By the time we spoke, eight years later the teeth were ground down and one would never know that he had all that work done. Continue reading

May 18 2013

Why Drug Treatment Centers Don’t Work and What Does

Vol.201, May 18, 2013

Every few months we hear of some celebrity who has overdosed after repeated stays in drug rehabs. More recently Anna Nicole Smith, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston have senselessly died of drug overdoses.

I for one have been hitting my head against the wall wondering how people can even believe that drug rehabs are a viable solution for drug addiction, when the wealthiest of people with access to the top level of care, end up routinely dying of drug overdoses.

I did a bunch of reading of various blog postings by those who have asked the same question be it a person with an addiction history, a reporter, a doctor or one who runs a facility. Each had their own notions why these failures occur. I don’t believe anyone would argue with the addicts who stated, when forced to go into rehab by a boss, spouse or parent it isn’t going to work. The addict has to make the choice to become “clean” or there is no personal investment for a positive result.

For someone who is looking at drug rehab centers from the outside as Anne Fletcher did in her book “Inside Rehab” the truth is a bit hard to take. First, she recognizes that there are few requirements for addictions centers so anyone can open one up. Many times they are owned and run by ex-addicts themselves, many without formal training. Further more, there are few ways for one to prove the excellent results that are claimed by these facilities. Ms. Fletcher states that much of the patients’ time is spent watching videos telling them the dangers of drugs and alcohol and sitting in groups speaking about the programs, neither which have been proven to be effective. In some programs the addicts are to be “broken” out of their addiction by being humiliated. This is an absurd notion especially given that addiction is a potentially deadly medical condition due the same care and concern of any other medical condition.

Most facilities will force their patients to participate in 12-step programs where they are told that a power higher than they is to be trusted to take care of their problem because they have no control over it. Additionally, they are told that if they refuse the principles of the 12-step program they will end up dead or in jail. Why is it that we ask 7 year olds to take responsibility for their behaviors? Yet, adults are told they have no control over themselves and to give it up? This is contrary to any understanding of what it takes to be a responsible adult in this world.

Particularly upsetting is that the 12-steps are the treatment of choice in most of these programs given the dismal success records of research done by AA itself.  AA membership surveys (all self-reported) from 1977 to 1990 reported that 81% of  alcoholics STOPPED attending after a single month. Only 5% attend for a year. Deborah A. Johnson reported in her 2005 article in the journal “Addiction” that the spontaneous recovery rate for alcoholism is 24.4%. This means that 24.4% of alcoholics got to the point where they were so tired of the negative ramifications of their alcohol abuse, they gave it up all on their own without any help of any sort.  With these facts known, my question is: How did AA and NA become the most used method of recovery on the planet? My answer is that it is readily available with the cost being minimal to none so anyone can attend. When we add to this those who swear by its success in their individual cases for the past 80 plus years, you have the world’s largest program regardless of its lack of efficacy.

The most important problem that I have with these drug treatment programs as if the above weren’t enough, is the fact that stopping the use of the drug is one thing. Keeping a person from returning to their drug habit is a whole other issue, especially if they are left with the urges to use, even when once off the drug(s) of choice. This is where the drug rehabs fail miserably. It is readily known that for an addict to have any real sense of being in “recovery”, a year of being drug free is required at a minimum. So a 30 or even 90 day treatment center away from the addict’s real world is not going to help them to remain sober or clean.

As a hypnotist I have great issues with the notion that by repeatedly telling yourself and the world that you are an addict, worse that you will never be anything but an addict – with the thoughts and behaviors that come with it. Why would anyone want to brainwash themselves in this manner? The way to healing is to allow one to realize that they can and must indeed give up that label and focus on healthier and the meaningful aspects to living. That is the way all healing of any other problem is done that is successful. It never helps to harp on the issue that is the problem, does it?

Lastly, Dr. Nora Valkow director of NIHDA, would like you to believe that one needs to take a drug like suboxone to keep you off of the “mind altering”drugs. Well, if one doesn’t have urges or desires, why would someone need to take a drug for the rest of one’s life that has to be detoxified by the liver or kidneys? I would say that this is a result the pharmaceutical companies brainwashing our society that pills and injections will take care of all ills,

A Better Solution:

So why would someone look to a hypnotist to stop an addiction? Well, for one thing if the practitioner is knowledgable at all, they will know how to help the client to withdraw from the drugs with little to no withdrawal symptoms. This will make the process of withdrawing easy while allowing the person to have few if any urges to “use” going forward.

Secondly, if one is doing an individualized treatment, the client’s thinking can be reframed using hypnotic technique to refuse the old life style, allowing them to create a new life away from drugs, drug addicts and dealers. This has to be done or there is no way the addict will be able to stay clean.

Third, given that many addicts began their addiction early in life, social and behavioral maturity has to be part of the process. Most of the addicts I have worked with have noted that the reason that they found it so hard to live without their drugs was because they had no idea in how to comfortably interact with people of their age group. So boundaries need to be taught and what better way to do it then over the year or so of treatment as different life experiences come up. In this way the client is learning new ways of coping with life’s ups and downs.

Lastly, and this is the most important of all, the cause of the problem must be addressed; the addict has to learn how to love him/herself. This includes forgiveness for anything that was done under the influence of the substance.Without that, there is no healing that can be achieved on any deep or permanent level.

With all of this in mind, doesn’t it make more sense to use an individualized and respectful manner for healing the whole person? Wouldn’t it make more sense to be far away from the usual “drug speak” of programs? Would it be better dealing with the reality of every day life? However, this will only work if he addict is ready to become a non-addict committing the time and attention required to make these lasting changes.

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