Nov 28 2013

The Challenging Journey

Travel philosophy! Huzzah to getting out of comfort zones! #lifeisshort #travel #wordstolivebyThe Challenging Journey – Vol. 227, November 28, 2013

So, here I am sitting at Logan Airport after missing my flight to a training that I am really looking forward to attending. This because a very sweet yet, fearful housemate of mine was unable to complete the drive to Boston’s Logan Airport. He missed the exit and then upon turning around to go back to the airport he had several panic attacks driving as he was driving through the city in “unknown territory.” I would have to say that the traffic was minimal without any real problems – in fact people were driving about 65 MPH, instead of the usual 75 – 80 MPH with much space between cars most of the ride on the highway. This gentleman just was not used to doing this sort of driving. This became even more apparent as we came came right into our town just a couple of blocks from the house we live in and he still had no idea where he was having never driven in that direction before.

I bring this up because as I told you before, this sweet man was only trying to do me a great favor. However, one needs to know when to say “no”. On the one hand, he thought it would be a great adventure, on the other hand, anytime anyone drives to an international airport pretty much anywhere in the world, it can be a trying experience, even for those of us who have done it multiple times. I was glad in the end that I was in the car to get him back to “known territory” because I doubt he would have been able to do it on his own, even though he was only about 27 miles and a 30 minute drive from where we live. Still, if one isn’t comfortable driving in “unknown territory”, it is better to decline the help or suggest an alternative – which would have been to take me to the nearest train station which is about 10 minutes away and in an area he drives through every day on his way to work. But, here’s the thing: I really wanted a ride to the airport, it being a long haul going from the commuter train through the subway, on to the Logan Express buses to the airport with all the luggage I had with me. However, I learned a couple of  real important for myself – so here they are:

  1. Sometimes that which feels like a larger bother, is the lesser of two evils.
  2. I found all the people I needed to help me to get to where I needed to go, super helpful in helping me get on and off the trains and bus – not something I am used to here in Boston.
  3. The customer service representative at United Airways was new to her job and received great assistance from her fellow employees in doing the rebooking, feeling good about learning the process. I was happy to have someone who likes her job and wants to learn it as she was helping me out. That was a beautiful site indeed.
  4. I got to the terminal to find that the world famous Legal Seafoods was right at my gate – so I had myself a very inexpensive yet delicious mug of their well regarded  New England Clam Chowder and am currently taking this time to get up to date with the weblogs. Every week there needs to be a new one and my webmaster is going on vacation for the holidays – so Suzanne must get these written so he can SEO and schedule them before he takes off for his well deserved time off.
  5. The customer service representative at the hotel couldn’t have been nicer when I called to let her know that I would be a lot later than originally planned. The woman that I am sharing the hotel room with was there before me so all is fine any way.
  6. The person I am sharing the hotel room with had a worse episode with her car being totaled in the snow by her ex-boyfriend who was doing his best to help her out. He’s fine for which she is grateful – another learning in the world of humility and gratitude.
  7. My very excellent friend who moved down to Atlanta for a Ph.D. Program and who I wanted to meet up upon my arrival at the hotel, offered to pick me up at the airport, and take me to my hotel. This in an effort  to make my life a bit easier on that end of the trip. Her kindness, brought a couple of tears to my eyes because it isn’t just anyone  who would understand the great help that is both in saving me some money on a cab ride. More importantly, I was able to be with a fantastic friend I haven’t seen since she left  my area in August for school.
  8. I am also well aware of the fact that these troubles are slight in the big picture. Sometimes in life one just has to take a deep breath in and realize that one will get there when they get there and all will be fine. Today was a travel day and that means whatever it means since one can never realize before hand what will happen on the road. So long as one is safe and in transit with plenty of time to reach the destination all will be fine. I am also quite certain that the event will be well worth the effort having taken part in one of this trainer’s programs previously.
  9. Think of a time when you had a challenge such as this and how you handled it. Did you get all upset with other people, sometimes even those who were doing their best to help you out, or were you calm and able to be gracious in accepting the help that you required?   Were you able to do as my roommate and realize that even though her car isn’t drivable after the accident, that she is grateful that her ex-boyfriend is okay and still looking forward to a fabulous experience at the training?   Were you able to be calm and respectful if someone with you was having a difficult time dealing with being outside their comfort zone as happened with the gentleman who was trying to do me a favor – he really does have a good heart – or did you get upset and pissed off with the person who was only doing their best to help you out? Be honest in your assessment on this one.
  10. I know in the past I would have been super upset, maybe in tears totally frustrated with an incident that was even less of an issue than what I had to contend with this morning. It is only because I have thrown myself into many situations that were out of my comfort zone, that I learned how to just “go with the flow,” realizing that so long as I had enough time to get to where I was going should something go awry, all would work out fine anyway.   Get out of your comfort zone. My neighbor who tried to drive me to the airport upon realizing that he had never been even 1 mile down the street from our house in the direction I brought him home told me that even though it was terrifying for him to drive on that particular highway to get to the airport, he was grateful for the opportunity to know that he did get outside his comfort zone. Further more, to know that if he is ever asked to do anyone a favor that requires driving on highways and byways he is unfamiliar the best answer for all concerned is “no” without any explanations needed.

 

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Nov 25 2013

Do You Feel Suffocated by Your Mother?

Vol. 46, January 2007

I have recently worked with women who were feeling totally suffocated by the time and attention required to appease their controlling and invasive mothers. Understand that these mothers, in their own minds, did not understand that their lack of boundaries was causing ill feelings or issues for their daughters, even though the daughters had tried hard to tell their mothers to back off. Continue reading

Nov 25 2013

018:How Many People Are Truly Happy?

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What practical actions can you take that will move you toward experiencing more happiness in your life? Find out in this podcast.

 

Nov 21 2013

What’s The Deal with the Rock and Roll Club 27?

Suicide prevention noticeWhat’s The Deal with the Rock and Roll Club 27 – Vol. 226, November 21, 2013

I read about the Club 27 in the USA Today of November 13, 2013, written by Korina Lopez. Ms. Lopez reviewed the book 27: A History of the 27 Club by Howard Sounes. She agrees with Sounes’s observation that all six of these 27 year old rock icons had very difficult childhoods. All of them had been doing drugs since their teens, while showing signs of mental health disorders at very young age. Rolling Stones guitarist Brian Jones and Janis Joplin both suffered from bipolar illness. Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain were noted to have been obsessed with suicide and Amy Winehouse had a history of harming herself.

I found this article very upsetting realizing how young these talented musicians were when they died, being 52 years old myself. I asked myself the question, why it is that people who were so clearly having a very difficult time emotionally never received the professional help required to stop them from ending their lives so young? This is especially upsetting with the more recent deaths, because we understand so much more about what mental illness is and how to treat it. These rock stars had plenty of money and most likely access to many high-end professionals from whom to receive help. Yet, each of them ended up dead by the age of 27, Cobain being the only one who took his life by shooting himself.

If the wealthiest people on the planet are unable to get help when they have obvious signs and symptoms of mental illness, is it any wonder that so many less financially well off people never get treated? Paradoxically, there are many people being drugged up on prescription medications that are totally unnecessary. I would place the grand majority of “normal” kids placed on amphetamines because they are normal active kids who would rather be running around exploring their worlds then be stuck sitting at desks all day listening to their teachers and working on assignments. I would add all those who are placed on psychotropic medications because of some feeling that they may be depressed, because it is easier to hand out pills which the patient is most likely looking for then finding out what is the true cause of the so-called depression and/or anxiety.

Look, I don’t have an issue using prescriptions if they are necessary. If it weren’t for the lithium I was on for the 14 years I was under psychiatric care for bipolar, I too could easily have been dead, in jail or homeless. However, in this day and age it is too easy to place people on medications without finding out what the true issues are on the one hand, while on the other hand, people who are acting out all over the place, with acts of desperation are left to their own devices to kill themselves.

Our society has to get a better handle on how to intervene when it is needed and stop intervening when it isn’t. How do you know the difference? Easy. If someone is telling you that they would rather be treated in a different way then perhaps that person ought to be heard. If someone else is out of control, unable to articulate what is going on with them in any rational manner, that person is a person who most likely needs to have some sort of mental health intervention.

I ask you to care enough about your loved ones to intervene if it seems to be the appropriate thing to do. Your loved one may not appreciate it and be pissed off with you for doing so. However, I can tell you of a client of mine that I had several years ago who was found in the act of trying to kill herself with the carbon monoxide of her car by her sixteen year old son. He got her committed and saved her life. She was very upset with him at the time. However, the rest of her kids and her husband are very grateful for his bold action.

My best childhood friend, Spencer, wasn’t as lucky. He was found hanging in the church where he worked with teens as their youth group leader. He was 39 years old at the time. I found out about his death on the day of his funeral – not a very good time to find out about such a sad event. There certainly was no way that I could ever make it to his funeral being a few hundred miles away. Since finding out about Spencer’s death, I have dedicated my practice to his life, this being the only thing that I could do.

When I looked through my high school year books, it was obvious that Spencer was very overwhelmed with all the things that he thought he had to do: being on the diving team, on the track team, getting great grades and doing all those things that he thought was expected of him. The writings that he left in both my junior and senior year books were very long in tiny writing explicitly stating the emotional pain that he was in. However, back then I was just a kid and didn’t have any idea what all that writing meant. Now, as an adult, and certainly after being treated for my own bipolar it is glaringly obvious that Spencer was having a very difficult time from a fairly early age. During that time he put on a “happy face” and played the game he was supposed to play. When he got away from home and got to college he was acting out quite a bit from his own reportage to me at the time. Even then, I really didn’t understand it, being about 21 years old, however years later things started to make more sense and even still I am uncertain he ever received any treatment for what I would consider major depression. His loss was a huge loss even though we had lost touch about 5 years before his death.

So, I ask of you to take the steps that you feel are warranted if anyone near to you is acting out: by drinking alcohol all the time as was the case with my past client or doing drugs as Spencer said he was doing while in college, demonstrating huge mood changes, speaking about people watching them, or someone who is very easily triggered by something you say or do. These are all indications that someone may be having a difficult time coping. Certainly if someone is stating that they would be better dead then alive, or does as one of my past neighbors did in cutting her thighs in her bathtub with a razor blade – these are serious acts that need to be attended to in a serious manner. Please don’t play Russian Roulette with your loved one’s lives, being fearful of their being upset with you. If someone is having a difficult time, the best thing you can do is make sure they get the treatment necessary.

If someone is just stating that they are frustrated and can’t stand their job any longer – well then perhaps a change would be helpful, perhaps a lateral move if possible. If someone is in an abusive relationship, especially if it is more subtle where access to friends and family is being restricted, it is time to leave. Situations that are problematic can be dealt with in a much less invasive manner. It all depends on the specific situation.

Listen, observe and then do what you can to help your loved one. However, even with that, if your loved one is unwilling to get the help they require and they are of age, there is really not a whole lot one can do unless they are of harming themselves or another at least here in the state of Massachusetts – that would earn them a psychiatric hospitalization.

At least by taking appropriate action you know that you did the best you could. With that, it is out of your hands because we really can’t control another human being. All you can do is take the appropriate action and hope that your loved one will do what is needed be become healthier and happier.

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Nov 18 2013

Claustrophobia: Does It Hinder Your Life?

Vol. 58, November 2007

There are a lot of people who are afraid of being in closed spaces like elevators, or MRI machines which may be required for medical reasons. Fear of flying can happen usually as a result of being enclosed in a space that you can not get out of until it is safe, or because the passenger is not in control of the situation. And then there are people who do not enjoy going to places like the theatre or seminars because there are too many people all leaving at the same time creating feelings of claustrophobia. Continue reading

Nov 18 2013

017:Ever felt like there is a cloud over your head? Learn how to dispel them before they become storm clouds.

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Ever felt like there is a cloud over your head? Learn how to dispel them before they become storm clouds.

Nov 14 2013

Just What Are The Dangers Teens of Today Face with the Advent of of Social Media?

Instagram and other Social Media AppsJust What Are The Dangers Teens of Today Face with the Advent of of Social Media? – Vol. 225, November 14, 2013

I was having a discussion with a junior high school teacher the other day, who brought up the negative effects that the new social media aimed toward teens is having on many of them. She has noted that teens are finding many ways to harm their sense of selves with the use of these sites.

The teens themselves think that socializing on line is the same as socializing in person, which it is not. When something is said on a social media site, such a one that allows teens to ask any questions they would like including: What makes you so stupid?” damage is being done to the teen who takes this question personally. There are also many times when teens will bully others online with the targeted teen sometimes committing suicide as a result of the psychological injury done, due to the nasty remarks of their peers about them online. One of the worse attributes of these online sites is that the kids have access to them 24/7 365 days a year so can never get away from the negative commentary placed on them. Because of this thoughtful discussion with this concerned teacher, I decided to devote this weblog to finding out more about the subject to help parents and teens to better understand and navigate these social media sites.

The first thing that I would like to point out, is that teens have not fully developed their brains leading them to do impulsive things without the ability to understand the natural consequences of their behavior. Teens will rarely be able to understand another person’s perspective making the situation at hand worse. So, please respect that this is where teens are developmentally, even if teens believe that they know more than the adults in their lives. This too, is just another indicator of their lack of mental and emotional maturity needing to be respected as such. It is indicative of the necessity to help teens navigate through these situations that are all around them. The newest statistic is that 75% of American teens own smart phones, using them to access the internet, to text and sext – sending sexually explicit photos through texting.

The second thing that I would like to bring out is that for people to have healthy lives, it is imperative that people socialize in the old fashioned face-to-face sort of way. This is especially true of teens who really can’t understand why they feel so lonely even if they are spending multiple hours online on the various social networking sites, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning creating a lack of sleep as well.

Think of it this way: If one can hide behind a computer on a dating site pretending to be all that you as an adult may be looking for in a mate, and then find out later that this representation had nothing to do with who this being is in front of you during your date,  think about how much more confusing a teen may be to find themselves being stalked or made fun of by someone who is pretending to be someone whom they are not. Teens don’t have the life’s experience to be able to understand these nuances, these deceits in a way more experienced adults may. Because the truth be told many adults are also scammed, stalked and other wise abused by people that they met online. As an adult and especially as a parent, it is your job to keep your child as safe as you can. You do this by getting a real sense of the places your child is hanging out not only off-line but online as well.

True relationships are built off line, in person. Healthy relationships are what constitute a healthy relationship with one’s self which allows for normal functional development. Without healthy relationships, people get upset, which can lead to depression, which left to fester too long can and does lead to suicide. So these issues of how one is relating to others is very important to the health and wellbeing of all involved.

Here are some sites that you as parents and you as teens need to know about and stay away from. In fact, I would suggest the less time on your computer on social media sites and the more time interacting with healthy and kind people doing amazing things in life, the happier and healthier one will be – adult and teen alike. This content below was taken from the Post:  Social Networking: New Sites/Apps Your Teen (Students) May be Using POSTED ON NOVEMBER 7, 2013

 

  • AskFm and Qooh.me: Websites that allow users to pose and respond to questions. For example, a user may post “Why are you such a loser?” and other users can respond. This site is often associated with cyber-bullying and harassment because it is not regulated and allows users to post anonymously.
  • Chatroulette: A website and app that pairs users up with random people from around the world together for webcam-based conversations. This site is known to be home to predators and inappropriate content.
  • Creepy: A desktop app that allows a user to track someone’s movements based on their Twitter, Facebook, and Flickr activity. It does so by gathering geotag location data from photos posted to online social networking sites. To help protect their teens, parents can turn off the geotag location data on their teen’s device; while this is not fail proof, it can help prevent new geotags
  • Efemr: A web and mobile app that allows users to post time limited content on Twitter. Teens are often more willing to engage in risky behavior and cyber bullying if they believe the contents will be deleted.
  • Facebook, Instagram, Pheed, Tumblr, and Twitter: Websites and apps that allow users post pictures, videos, and/or texts and comment on others posts. Teens often over share personal information including contact information and geotagged photos.  These sites can also be home to cyber bullying.
  • Flickr:  An image and video hosting site and social network. Flickr prohibits content that is illegal, but sexually explicit material is permitted.
  • Kik: A messaging application that allows users to send photos, videos, and messages. Teens like this app because it is harder for adults to monitor their activity.
  • SnapChat: An app that allows users to send photos and videos that will “self-destruct” or disappear. Teens are often more willing to engage in inappropriate behavior if they believe the contents will be deleted. However many users have found ways around this and are able to use other apps and screen capture features to keep and spread the photos.
  • Vine: A short form video-sharing app. According to Vine, users may be exposed to content that might be offensive, harmful, inaccurate, otherwise inappropriate, or deceptive. Sexually explicit videos are permitted on Vine.

Please be thoughtful with how much technology your kids are using, how often and most especially what they are doing with it. I know when I see a toddler playing with an I-phone I feel sick inside. Not because there aren’t some educational games that could be accessed. More because it means to me that that child is spending more time playing with technology not understood by them, rather then engaging in social activities to learn the basic concepts of sharing, caring and being interested in others – others with whom the child is building a lasting relationship. This instead of being distracted by the easiest item a parent has at hand.

Take the time to think about what your child is doing with his/her time and make sure to include all sorts of activities where the child can have the self-esteem and self-respect built up, which is really not to be found online. More often the relationships built on line are superficial based on fake personas created by someone your child may never know. If the child does know the people involved, as we are finding out with the sad news of kids cyber-bullying their “friends” and classmates, horrific damage can be done to the fragile teen in the world of teen hormones and jealousy built on a lack of self-esteem by the one who is doing the “bullying” the “posturing” etc. Please take an active part in guiding your children through this technological onslaught of inappropriate stimulation while bringing all sorts of healthier interests alive in them off line be it through sports, the arts, building models or doing something in the outdoors with plants and/or animals. Volunteering is also a very necessary act these days where your teen can learn some life long lessons that will do them much more good then sitting in front of a screen pretending to have a relationship with someone and getting addicted to the internet.

 

 

 

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