Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 18:34 — 17.0MB)
Are you a victim of your life or are you in control of it, no matter what obstacles you face? Discover how your attitude empowers you.
Dec 03 2015
Why Do 12-Step Programs Fail 95% of The People in Them?
Why Do 12-Step Programs Fail 95% of The People in Them? – Vol. 337, December 3, 2015
Here is one of my favorite subjects because, I know that 12-Step programs are the “go to” places for anyone who is referring a person with an addiction to go to, and they are one of the worst places a person with an addiction can attend. As a hypnotist, a person who has studied languaging to assist my clients (and myself heal), the manner in which we express ourselves matters. Let me explain:
It is our unconscious mind, which I will abbreviate as UCM going further, that directs us to do those things that we don’t want to do, and stops us from doing those things we want to do, but won’t. Our UCM is like a child before the age of 8 or so when every word spoken is taking literally. The UCM is unable to reason, rationalize or judge anything. So, when one stands in a 12-Step program professing to be an addict, they are telling their UCM that they are an addict. Why does that matter? Glad you asked. Because every time you say that you are an addict, your unconscious mind is going to create all the thoughts and behaviors of an addict, making it so much harder to release the addiction because you are fighting off your urges every single day.
The second problem that I have learned from my clients is that these are the best places to find out where you can get your drugs if you aren’t really wanting to let go of the problem, but are forced to show up for the meetings for whatever reason. I have had sex addicts tell me that it is at the 12-step meetings that they found out where the best massage places to get whatever they wanted done, done. So if you are serious about giving up your addiction, playing with those who are still engrossed with the mentality of addiction isn’t the best place to go, not really.
The third problem as far as I am concerned is that it is a place where co-dependency occurs. If someone feels that without a meeting they are not going to make it through the day – and are told that they have to go to these meetings constantly and for the rest of one’s life, then when the hell does one ever learn how to be un-addicted, healthy engrossed in non-addiction behaviors, non-addictive activities with non- addicts?
My clients learn how to become non-addicts, getting in touch with those things they always loved doing before the addiction took over their lives. They learn how to express themselves in a mature way so that others will treat them respectfully and nicely. They learn how to be the best selves they can be without the need to ever go to a 12-step meeting leaving a hell of a lot of time to be with their families, be with their friends – those who don’t do the once addicted behavior, out in nature, attending cultural and sporting events – whatever it is they enjoy, as long as it is healthy, safe and in line with what they enjoy and are interested in.
Read the Orange Report if you think I am telling you something that isn’t true. It is a meta study, meaning a study of hundreds of studies on 12-step programs and you will find that less then 5% of those who attended 12-step programs were no longer addicted one year later. That means a 95% failure rate. Not exactly the numbers that I would be looking for in any treatment program I was to attend. You can find it here: www.orange-papers.org/.
So, find yourself a way other than 12-step meetings to get the care you need to become non-addicted. Hell, most of the addicts who have become non-addicted did it on their own. They made a decision, and went on with life. If you can’t do that, find a hypnotist that specializes in this work, because it can be dangerous if the hypnotist has no idea what they are doing. Drug addiction is a serious matter, and there are many other mental health issues that can come along with drug addiction – depression, anxiety, OCD, ADD, ADHD, etc. So, find someone that you see has handled addictions with great testimonials on their websites and go from there. Good luck with it and stay the hell out of those dangerous to your UCM 12-Step programs!
Nov 30 2015
122:Vulnerability Vs. Perfection
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 11:43 — 10.7MB)
Perfection doesn’t really exist, however, it doesn’t stop people from striving for it. However, does it really make sense to strive for something that doesn’t exist? Learn a better way to be excellent in the world from Master Hypnotist, Suzanne Kellner-Zinck.
Nov 26 2015
Emotional Maturation Is The Real Problem For Ex- Addicts
Emotional Maturation Is The Real Problem For Ex- Addicts – Vol. 336, November 26, 2015
I was sitting in an appointment with Donna N., one of my ex-drug addicted clients when she explained to me one of the real important differences that made the difference in my treatment of her addiction vs. all the other usual methods. You, see, my clients teach me so many important things that I can then hand on to you. Isn’t that awesome!
When Donna came to see me she was 54 years old. She had already done the traditional 12-Step programs finding them depressing, always leaving right after the first part of the meeting, not wanting to hear all the negative stories of those who were sharing on any particular evening. However, that isn’t the point I want to make here. The point that I want to make goes back to something she explained to me about the problem with these 12-step meetings based on her observations of those who attend them.
Pay attention because this is an important aspect of healing. You see, someone can get off their drugs and be in “recovery” and still have problems out there in the world for two reasons. The first is because the addicts whole life is consumed by procuring whatever it is that the brain tells them is necessary, in this case drugs. Once the addiction is no longer controlling every thought and action, there is a whole lot of time that needs to be filled in. Then the question comes in as to what that time should be filled with, and 12-Step meetings aren’t the answer. But, that is a different story for another day.
The problem is that when a person becomes addicted to anything their emotional development stops at that chronological age. So, even if that person looks like an adult and may be very successful in their chosen career, internally they still have the thoughts and behaviors of a teen ager for example. This becomes a problem because the ex-addict doesn’t know how to relate to a person their own age. There are many social cues that are lost, emotions that are not contained in an effective and mature manner and as such, building relationships becomes a bit of a fiasco.
So, this is what I want you to understand if you are an addict of any sort, and this includes people with histories of anorexia and bulimia. If you are finding it hard to relate to people your age, this is why.
The next question becomes how one overcomes this issue. I have many techniques that I teach my clients when they go through any of my programs based on addiction. However, I will do my best to give you some information here that may make your life a bit easier in this area.
1. You have to realize that the world does not revolve around you and what your feel you are entitled to. Not, really. Everyone has a right to have their needs taken care of and this is especially true in any sort of relationship. The way to make a friend is to be a friend. That means taking an interest in what the other people are doing and truly caring about them. Not because you have something to gain from them, rather because you think they are a cool person to be around, perhaps sharing some of your interest and certainly your values.
2. Be yourself – stop pretending to be something you aren’t. Go back to Vol. 335 in this weblog – the one right before this one to learn about why this is so important – to show your vulnerability to create truly meaningful relationships.
3. If you do something that hurts another, take responsibility for it and apologize from your heart. Then ask that person what you could do to help make up for that hurtful thing you did. Then do it.
4.Think of ways to be helpful or to show that you care about another person. I sometimes will purchase books and recorded programs for my best friends when I find something that I think they would truly appreciate. I send cards to people that I know are going through a hard time (though in all honesty I send about one birthday card out a year to my youngest sister who sends me the most beautifully chosen cards in the world.)
5. This is a BIG ONE: Think before you speak. Man, back before I got into hypnotism and NLP, I used to piss people off all the time. I didn’t care what anyone thought. However, I learned how to use language such as “I firmly suggest that you…” or I don’t know if this is right for you, but maybe it would be a good idea if…” This way you aren’t forcing yourself and your opinions on anyone, rather you are just giving them something to think about. More often then not action will be taken when conveyed in this manner.
6. Never use the word “but” because in doing so, you have just unsaid whatever came before it. Instead use the word “and” to link up two thoughts. “I know that you would prefer to ____, and you need to do go to bed now.”
7. You can also take on a stronger meaning if there is something that truly needs to be addressed by telling the person “I am not asking your opinion, I am telling you that what needs to happen now is……” You use this when someone is being abusive or creating problems in your life only.
So, there you go, some ideas in how to better get along with people, make friends. Understand that the best way to make true friends is to be a friend. The better a fiend you are, the better and closer relationships you will have. However, there is one thing to keep in mind which is this:
8. Never “people please” because all that will do is fill you up with resentment when that person you are people pleasing could care less about that which you are going out of your way to do. That person is oblivious and it is a good thing. Do those things that are within the realm of the level of friendship you have. If it isn’t a particularly close friendship, small gestures are all that are necessary. Doing too much for someone or being overly familiar with a person before that level of trust and respect is built, is off putting so don’t even go there.
I trust that if you use these tips you will find yourself having much better results maturing your interactions with others bringing you relationships based on who you truly are as a person. Give it a go and you will be amazed. I know my clients are every single time!
Nov 23 2015
121:Why Being Able to Forvive Matters
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 14:00 — 12.8MB)
Still mad at that bully who pushed you around who you were 9? Can’t forget your first boss who made your life miserable? Learn why you need to forgive these people for your own good.
Nov 19 2015
Vulnerability Vs. Perfection: How To Create Deep Friendships
Vulnerability Vs. Perfection: How To Create Deep Friendships – Vol. 335, November 19, 2015
One of the main issues that my clients have is fear of being vulnerable. And, this is a huge problem because they find that though they may know a lot of people, none of those people really know who they are. Why? Because they are so busy trying to be what they feel that other person wants, they lose them self to the persona they have created. Why? Because they feel they have to be perfect.
Well, there is a huge problem with this whole idea of having to be perfect, because you really have no idea of how to be “perfect” in the eyes of another. Worse, when you go out of your way to be perfect, that other person has no idea what you are trying to do. You see, their concept of what constitutes “perfect” will most likely differ from yours.This leads many of these clients to become resentful with those who haven’t noticed all the great things they have done as a direct result of being “perfect,” at least in their own eyes.
There is another larger problem with this whole idea of being perfect, and that is the fact that so far as I know there is no one who could be considered “perfect” walking the earth today. I could be wrong, however, I doubt it.
It takes a whole lot of effort to put up any sort of persona, perfection being the hardest. So, how about you learn how to be what I tell my clients to be “imperfectly perfect” allowing for your humanity to show through? You see, it is totally human to make mistakes, put your foot in your mouth, sometimes hurt people when you are feeling hurt, and do stupid things. We ALL do them. And, it is these stupid things that we do, or those times we say things that in hind sight could have been handled much better, that allow us to build ever deeper relationships with others.
I will tell you a story about how I met one of my very best friends to this day. Note, that I just told her yesterday, that she needed to take more time in being available to her friends. According to her she doesn’t have any time to spend on the phone with her friends. I didn’t buy the fact that she didn’t have any time, and offered her the idea that if she made the time she could share in the lives of those she says she cares about. You see, it is the time and attention that we give others, that lets them know we do care and are interested in them. So here is the story of how I met this woman back in August of 2007:
I was at my NLP Trainer’s Training waiting out in the lobby of the hotel where the training was happening. I was very excited about this training and very nervous knowing that it was going to stretch me beyond anything I had done to that point (and it did!). So, being a fast talker, I was talking really quickly and maybe I was a bit too self-involved – I don’t really remember. All I know is that I found out later that this woman didn’t want to have a thing to do with me from that initial contact.
We were placed into groups of six to practice presentation skills, that being the main focus of being a trainer. We were asked to have one person be the lead of the group. No one volunteered in my group so I did. Later, I found out this was also off putting to this same woman – “How dare I think I should be the lead person.” was what went on in her mind as she told me a few weeks later.
On the fourth or fifth day of the training we were in our groups and I was standing in front ready to be the next person to do a presentation. This is when one of the trainers came over and told my group that I really needed their help. I needed to SLOOOOOW down my rate of speaking so that my trainees would be able to follow me better. It was with this suggestion that I got a bit touched by the fact that our trainer took the time out to get my group to help me out. With my emotions came the idea from this woman who found me so bothersome, that maybe I was okay and besides, that trainer was stupid. I didn’t need to slow down, I just needed to emphasize some things more then others. In other words, she had her own ideas has to how to best help me and did so for the remainder of that training, including making all the charts I need drawn for the subjects I had to teach my group. We had to do two subjects and the charts had to reflect exactly what our trainers told us they had to reflect. Not being a person who draws, this help was indeed a Godsend.
After the training we are at the graduation party where the same woman and I were speaking when she told me that I needed to write a book on how to overcome sex addiction this being one of my specializations and put together a training. There was no need for me to do as everyone else was doing who was going to become trainers, following a basic curriculum set up by our trainers. No, I was to do my own thing.
Every week for a few years, this same woman called me every week for what I came to call our “supervision calls” since we were helping each other with the clients we were working on. It was great. We no longer do supervision with one another as she has moved onto doing other things, but we still can pick up where we left off before and have wonderfully supportive conversations.
What I want you to understand, is that it is through really showing who we are that we can gain true friendships. No one can relate to anyone who hasn’t had to overcome something. My list of what I have overcome is a very large one from learing disabilities as a kid, to mental health issues, to family issues, to bankruptcy, to overcoming the brain tumor, etc – the tumor is no where to be found all with the use of visualization. It is a great asset to be a hypnotist so long as I use my own skill set.
So, if you want to have deeply meaningful relationships with people who share your values, then allow yourself to be true to who you are. Show the emotions and allow others to get a better understanding of who you are. Because it is only through your showing your emotions and having someone relate to, empathize with, and care about you, that you will have the ability to create wonderful life long relationships.
The other side of the deal is that you need to be able to relate to, empathize with, and care about the other person allowing that no one is perfect and that they are great for who they are at their very essence.
It was during my phone call with my elusive friend that I reminded her of the fact that she had told me a few years ago during one of our conversations on the phone that she really appreciated the fact that I am a heart based person – meaning that I am always doing things that my heart moves me to do. She had received a few surprises from me in the mail over the years and in turn she surprised me back in her own way.
So, give it a go. You have nothing to lose and only some fantastic people to gain as real true humble friends. Vulnerability rocks!
Nov 16 2015
120:What Makes A Successful Life
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 17:57 — 16.4MB)
Do you have a definition of success that will lead to happiness? Find out how Master Hypnotist Suzanne Kellner-Zinck defines success and how that can help you.