Oct 27 2012

Relationships: The Secret to Creating Those That Work – Vol. 126, November 17

There are many people out there on the internet who are teaching people how to go about attracting the right person for them. Many of these programs state that they are successful at teaching the skills that are necessary. Now, I haven’t done a study to prove if these programs work or not, however I do know that in the case of my clients learning how to attract the “right” person is NOT the beginning of the process. The beginning of the process for them starts at figuring out why it is that they are attracting people that are not able to provide them the love and support that they desire and deserve. Worse are those partnered with someone who is destructive to their sense of self-esteem and yet in some cases not even recognizing that this is the cause of inflamed health issues. Another thing that is very interesting to note here is that the presenting problems that showed up that were the cause of these issues was different in every case. With that in mind I am going to share some case histories to give you an idea of the many ways that people find themselves in relationship hell and what was done to improve their situations.

A few years ago a young women come in to see me with the main presenting issue being that she was bulimic. During the intake she admitted that she drank too much and alcohol and needed to get it under control. When she drank too much her impulse control was no longer evident. She would be attending industry parties where she would get drunk and ending up having sex with a man of who was present at the party. She was well aware of the conflict here between wanting to be respected in her profession and the behavior that she was exhibiting. In her case she needed to stop the alcohol intake permanently for she was unable to keep it under control. This allowed her to control her sexual behavior as well as to get her bulimia under control.

I had another woman who came in with the presenting problem of depression, unable to do her writing which is what really mattered to her. She was married to a wonderful, and successful man. The only problem was that she was being treated rather rudely by him. He would be on the phone with a co-worker and say something sarcastic about her. This of course harmed their relationship. When we got down to the cause of the problems it went back to her parents being very demanding of this couple’s time with their wanting to see their grandchildren yet always on their time line. Isn’t interesting that two retired people took absolute control of this situation. When the daughter (mother of the children and spouse to the gentleman above) made it very clear that she and her husband would decide if and when the grandparents would visit, all of a sudden the couple were able to get along as well as when they first met. The reason for this was that the husband felt threatened by his spouse’s inability to put him first in their relationship.

Another client came to me was feeling very alone in the world having no true friends in the area and desperately wanting to move back to her home state across the country. You see she had married a man who was blind. She bent over backwards to make him happy or so she thought until the day he told her he was moving to Africa to be with another woman. This client had no idea why it was that this could happen. In the process of doing our work together it was noted that she had a relationship with her father where some terrible abuse had happened at a very early age and with that came her decision to never allow another person to get close to her and hurt her ever again. She was a person for whom empty smiles were normal, no longer being able to feel her emotions. Once she was able to get her emotions back at least she was able to create much healthier friendships with the people in her life.

Last year I had another woman come into me who had social anxiety as she put it. In her case she had a tendency to always look away when people talked to her. This was something that she realized she was doing because of her discomfort in being too intimate with another. Again, there was some serious abuse that occurred in her family of origin that made it very difficult for her to trust men and so she tended to shy away from them. With a bit of self-esteem work and the clearing of that issue of the past she got together with a gentleman that she always liked in the past reigniting their relationship.

I recently received a call from a woman who was suffering with aches and pains coming from a muscular disease. She was unable to focus on her work and feeling run down and incapable of taking control over her life. She was married to a man whom she thought she loved till she recognized all the ways in which he belittled her, attacked her sense of accomplishments as he worked to control her. She realized that what she needed to do was to leave the marriage and allow herself the space she needed to be away from such a destructive person as her soon to be former husband, had become in her life.

A few years ago I had a bulimic come in to see me who really wanted to be able to stop her purging behavior. She was in an MBA program where she was getting decent grades and yet it seemed that back at home her husband found all sorts of ways to treat her as the 22 year old person she was when they met who was needy and dependent. In short he was infantilizing her and arguing with her about everything. She came to the conclusion that she had out grown the relationship given that her husband was unable to respect her for the growth that she had made through the ten or more years since they met and needed to move on.

A gentleman called a few years ago who was feeling a pain in his genital area. The doctors never found a physiological cause for this problem. Feeling it was an unconscious issue that was showing up as a physical symptom he came in to see me. The cause of the pain was that the girlfriend who he followed all over the world was no longer interested in seeing him, sick of his shadowing her each time she moved. She never really told him that she was unhappy being with him, though she had found other relationships every where she went, cheating on this man in the process. It was long over due for him to move on.

A gentleman called in worried about his sexual compulsions finding himself inside massage parlors as he traveled the state for his real estate investment business. He was feeling rather guilty and didn’t even notice that he was purchasing buildings further away from his home in an effort not to be caught. He had a spouse at home who he adored and a young daughter he was crazy about. He really didn’t want to continue with this shameful behavior. The problem here was that his spouse felt uncomfortable with her extra weight gain and didn’t feel sexy in the least not allowing them to have sexual relations in a very long time. We did some work with the wife to get her to better understand her own sexuality and the relationship took off from there.

These are only a smattering of case histories that I have regarding the underlying issues of why it is that relationships can create so much upset. What you need to realize is that if you are continually finding yourself unhappy in love there is most likely an unconscious remedy to this problem. Until you better understand what is going on, with the emotional and physical symptoms being an indicator of something deeper being at cause, the problems will continue to plague you. Hypnosis can be a very quick and easy way to get yourself back on track. In the hands of a competent practitioner you will find yourself not only in a much healthier relationship, you may find that you are no longer battling the physical and emotional health issues that were dragging down your enthusiasm for life.

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