You may be like me, in the sense that you find yourself with somebody who is saying things to you that make you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we don’t even know at the time of the occurrence why we feel so uncomfortable. However, a day or so later, it becomes crystal clear.
Here is an example from my own life:
I “had” a very good friend who loved to tell me how to live my life. Shortly after my ex asked for a divorce, my friend suggested that I go on disability just like his ex-wife had already been, because, you know, I have a “disability”. Maybe in his head I had a disability, however, in my head, I worked real hard to shed any issues that would get in the way of my being able to take care of myself by clearing out my problems and learning a profession. To say I was “floored” by his “caring” suggestion is to put it mildly. I was very angry and upset with him because to my mind he was minimizing all the work that he witnessed my doing over the past 20 plus years. It was unbelievably upsetting. To his credit he did apologize and never mentioned it again.
This was a boundary break!
Now, one of the reasons that my “friend” overran my boundaries is because I had my own ways of overrunning his boundaries, most especially in not being interested in much of his complaints about everything in his life. This wasn’t as big a problem back then as it is currently, though it was large enough to make it a 50/50 chance of having a good time or a drag of a time with him. I let him know that I was getting increasingly more disgruntled about his ever lengthening time he spent complaining about every aspect of his life while we were together. Sadly he was unable to ever make a change in his attitude.
So what are boundaries? Simply speaking boundaries are composed of those things that you feel okay with on an emotional level. When your boundaries are overrun it means that someone is saying or doing something that with which you feel uncomfortable. You know that your boundaries have been overridden when you are feeling upset or resentful with something that someone has said or done. By the way, it doesn’t have to always have to be something that was said or done to you, it could be something that was said or done to someone else that you felt was inappropriate or hurtful to the other person.
Many times boundaries are a matter of feeling judged by another or while judging another. So, if you are feeling judged, it is time to think about this relationship and whether you want to be a part of it. If you are judging others, well, that may be why others are judging you in return. Stop the judgments and you may find yourself, no longer being judged.
Creating your boundaries begins by understanding what :you care about, what you believe in and what you want to spend your time doing. When you were 2 years old you had no problem saying,“no” to anything that you didn’t want to do. As we grow older we are socialized (especially if you are of the female gender) that saying, “no” is impolite. Well, I am here to tell you that by say, “yes” when you need or want to say, “no”, you are setting yourself up to be resentful of the other person. We only have so much time in a day and need to discern what is of importance to ourselves. This doesn’t mean that you don’t help people who you care about, so long as they are there for you in similar situations, that is called being a “friend” in the real sense of the word. What it does mean, is that you don’t going running to take care of everyone else’s crisis as you ignore your own needs and desires in your own life. If someone is in crisis they need professional help anyway. Help them to get professional help and all will be fine. It is also of little use to allow someone to vent their frustrations, hostilities and endless sadness onto you. It is much better to give them a few minutes to tell you their story and then move them onto something that is much more positive for mental health for both of you. The exception to this rule is if someone is dealing with a recent death of someone close to them or is dealing with a very ill family member or friend. However, even than as a friend, there is only so much that you can do if you lack the training to be able to constructively help them to come to terms with what is going on in their lives.
I do my best to teach all my clients (and my friends through sharing with them my philosophy of how I choose to live my life) about how to enforce their own boundaries while respecting others boundaries. In the end it makes for a much more happy and fulfilling lives for everyone.
Learnings From My Journey: Suzannisms For the Mind and Soul
Learnings From My Journey: Suzannisms for the Mind and Soul is a book of essays based on the wisdom gained through those who have touched me through my own journey in life. Purchase an inspiring copy today from the Dawning Visions Hypnosis Store.Learnings From My Journey: Suzannisms For the Mind and Soul
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