Vol. 85 February 2010 – The Importance of Telling People that they Matter
One would think that telling someone that you care would be as natural as eating and sleeping. In all too many cases this is not the way it is. It wasn’t until I read an article written by Victoria Rosner for the New York Times titled “Shall I let My son See His Dying Dad?” that this hit home for me.
When I read the article on my computer it had reminded me of a situation that occurred in my own life.The article was about a 2 year old boy who never knew his father. His father had walked away from his mother when she was pregnant with him. He just could not deal with the responsibility of having a family, it didn’t mean he didn’t care, or did it? How was this two year old to know?
When the father of the 2 year old found out he had months to live, he decided then he wanted to know his son, and for his son to have the chance to know him. The father sent a letter asking the mother permission to contact the boy. The mother to her credit allowed the father to have contact with the boy, despite all the advice of “friends” telling her things that although may have been true on some level such as “He left you and he doesn’t deserve to see his son”, she instead forgave whatever she had to allowing her son to know his father. (See January 2010 newsletter on Forgiveness.) Being allowed to see his father enables him to have a lasting sense of security with the knowledge that his father cared about him.
The article I read was originally titled “Shall I forgive Him one Last time?” and I find it rather interesting that it took having a date of dying for this father to realize that he wanted and needed to have the relationship with his son. It seems for when we know that we may not have that chance, we are more apt to act, rather than take one another for granted. Perhaps it would be better for everyone if we could just take the time now to show we care.
I realized that if my father had told me occasionally that he loved me, that he cared about me, that he was thinking of me even though he did not live with my mother and me, it would have made all the difference in my world. A simple call letting me know he cared about me would have been enough. Had my father occasionally sent a card or called on a birthday, had taken a few moments of time to show he cared, it would perhaps be a lot easier for me to believe him today, 50 years later when he says “I love you“. Left unspoken only my father knew in his heart that he cared. He never conveyed it to me or anyone else for that matter. Because it was left to the imagination, it became skewed and distorted over time.
To know that this man cares about his boy regardless of whether he could support him, or be a father to him for whatever reason, is probably the most important memory he will have of his father when he thinks of him 50 years from now or maybe even tomorrow. To just know that he was loved and cared for in his father’s heart means more than all the money, fancy houses and toys that could be bought. To just be told this and have it occasionally reinforced can mean everything to a person. Sometimes it can be even more important than having a parent there 24/7. Is it that hard to send a card, or to pick up a phone?
Too often we go about our daily lives assuming people know how we feel. It seems like they should just know, but do they? Why is it so hard to tell someone you care? Probably because it is easier to assume they just know. People need to be told they are cared about and appreciated.
In an article by Rick Nauert, PhD, titled “Emotional Wealth Trumps Financial Wealth” August 10, 2009, a study was done “…what we’ve found is that while money may be able to make people live more comfortable lives, it won’t necessarily contribute to life’s pleasant moments that come from engaging with people and activities rather than from material goods and luxuries.”
I know another person who has all the money in the world however is very alone and miserable. She was born into money and has never had to work a day in her life. She has no real reason or passion in her life, no reason to face the day. She constantly tries to buy love and companionship with her money. She has no sense of self love or worth and no purpose to her life. Even though she has all the money in the world what she is unable to buy is someone to tell her she is loved or cared for. She is unable to buy someone to tell her she matters in this world. It is a proven fact that money cannot buy happiness proven by all the countless lottery winners who end up broke and miserable. Money can never buy the love or care of another human being.
The simple act of telling someone you love or care about them can really turn a life around and make a huge difference in someone’s life, or even save a life. Hallmark Greeting Cards makes millions off this fact, and there are a million songs written as well on this fact. Stevie Wonder’s “I just called to say I loved you” comes to mind, amongst many others.
Had the people that showed they cared in my life not have shown it when they did, I may have felt isolated and alone as my cousin did and hanged myself. The fact that a few people really showed they cared about me made a huge difference in my world. There are billions of people in the world, no one should ever feel that alone.
Take Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sounds Of Silence” “…a rock feels no pain and an island never cries.” When a person feels alone and as if no one cares they begin to feel void of their emotions to the point of becoming dead inside like a rock. They become increasingly more isolated and depressed, unable to live life. They become like a rock on an island.
In another study reported in the Scientific American, June of 2008, researcher Steven Cole of the University of California L.A. reported that people that suffer from chronic loneliness show a change in their gene activity which could predispose them to all sorts of illness from a simple cold to deadly cancer.
Too often people assume the other person knows how they feel.People need to feel other people care and they need to care about other people as well. It gives people a reason to live knowing they are cared about and have others to care for. Too often it is taken for granted. Too often it is left unsaid. Too often it is said too late.
Tell someone you love and care about them today. If you find it difficult to get in touch with your emotions for one reason or another, hypnosis can help you get unstuck, so you can once again feel the emotions that are so vital to one’s life. For it is when we can feel our emotions that we can feel empathy for another which is the basis for all fulfilling relationships.
Article written by Donna N.