Apr 27 2013

The Importance of Telling People that they Matter

Because of Your Love I am FreeVol. 85 February 2010 – The Importance of Telling People that they Matter

Article written by Donna N.

One would think that telling someone you care would be a simple and natural act, as natural as eating or sleeping.  The simple act of letting someone know you care about them  too often goes unsaid,  and assumed or taken for granted..  By not telling someone you care and assuming they know how you feel you are really taking them as well as their life for granted.  Telling someone you care and appreciate them certainly is something that is done not nearly enough in our everyday lives.  People need to feel appreciated.   People need to be told they are cared about and appreciated.  Too often we go through our daily lives assuming that people know how we feel.  Due to this fact,  this newsletter has been a little hard to write.    We often assume the other person knows we care and so we do not feel the need to tell them.    It seems like they should just know,  but do they?   Why is it so hard to tell someone you care?   Probably because it is easier to assume they just know,  and that is why this newsletter was hard to write.  And just how important is this to us humans as we go through the motions of our daily life?   It wasn’t until I read an article on the internet that this hit home for me. The article was written by Victoria Rosner for the New York Times and she was also featured on the Today Show on TV on January 19, 2010. The title of the article is “ Shall I let my Son See His Dying Dad?”

When I read this article on my computer it reminded me of a similar situation in my own life.

The article was about a 2 year old boy who never knew his father.  His father had walked away from his mother when she was pregnant with him.   Although his father was not present physically,  it didn’t mean he didn’t care, or did it-how was this 2 year old to know?

Just as was the case of the 2 year old boy in the article, I also came from a “broken” home.  Although my home was also “broken” because my father did not live with my mother and me,  if my father had told me occasionally that he loved me, that he cared about me, that he was thinking of me even though he did not live with my mother and me, it would have made all the difference in my world.  It doesn’t have to be a long, involved and drawn out speech, simply just by saying I am calling you to let you know I do care about you, and asking how are you can make someone feel that they are wanted and cared about.  As simple and to the point as that.  Likewise if the unspoken words of the mother I did live with had been spoken, and I was told I was cared about once in a while this too would have been beneficial in my world as it turned out.

But as the case goes, only my father knew he cared in his heart.  He never conveyed this me, or anyone for that matter.  It was left to be assumed.  Just as it was left by my mother whom I lived with to be assumed.  In the case of my father, it was to be left to the imagination that would be formed over years of time to be assumed.  Because it is left to the imagination, it can become skewed and distorted over time.

In the article I read, when the father of the 2 year old found out he had months to live, he decided then he wanted to know his son, and for his son to have the chance to know him. The father sent a letter asking the mother permission to contact the boy. The mother to her credit allowed the father to have the contact with the boy, despite all the advice of “friends” telling her things that although may have been true on some level such as “He left you and he doesn’t deserve to see his son”, she instead forgave whatever she had to allowing her son to know his father. (See January 2010 newsletter on Forgiveness). Because the boy was allowed to see his father he now knows that his father does indeed care about him no doubt leaving a positive lasting impression.  Had he not been allowed to see his father, this boy would be left to form a decision on whether his father cared or didn’t care based on assumption, or based on no data at all.  Is this what the father wanted?  How does this affect the 2 year old child not knowing and perhaps never knowing that his father cared.

The article I read was originally titled  “Shall I forgive Him one Last time?” and I find it rather interesting that it took having a date of dying for this father to realize that he wanted and needed to have the relationship with his son. It seems for when we know that we may not have that chance, we are more apt to act, rather than take for granted one another. Perhaps it would be better for everyone if we could just take the time now to show we are.   What if the father was killed in an auto accident and never got the chance to tell his son he cared?

Had my father occasionally sent a card or called on a birthday, had taken a few moments of time to show he cared regardless of the situation of him not living with my mother, it would perhaps be a lot easier for me to believe him today, 50 years later when he says “I love you“. To just know that this man cares about the boy in the article regardless of whether he could support him, or be a father to him for whatever reason is probably the most important memory he will have of his father when he thinks of him 50 years from now or  tomorrow. To just know that he was loved and cared for in his father’s heart means more than all the money, fancy houses and toys that could be bought. To just be told this and have it occasionally reinforced can mean everything to a person. Sometimes it can be even more important than having a parent present 24/7. Is it that hard to send a card, or to pick up a phone?

I know another person who has all the money in the world however she is very alone and miserable. She was born into money and has never had to work a day in her life. She has no real reason or passion in her life, no reason to face the day. She constantly tries to buy love and companionship with her money. She has no sense of self love or worth and no purpose to her life. Even though she has all the money in the world what she is unable buy is someone to tell her she is loved or cared for. She is unable to buy someone to tell her she matters in this world. It is a proven fact that money cannot buy happiness proven by all the countless lottery winners who end up broke and miserable. Money can never buy the love or care of another human being.

In an article by Rick Nauert, PhD, titled “Emotional Wealth Trumps Financial Wealth” August 10, 2009, a study was done “…what we’ve found is that while money may be able to make people live more comfortable lives, it won’t necessarily contribute to life’s pleasant moments that come from engaging with people and activities rather than from material goods and luxuries.” Thus the two year old boy engaging with his father is worth more than his father supporting him and providing for him. He will have memories of the pleasant moments of his father demonstrating his care and his love, and that is worth more than all the money in the world

The simple act of telling someone you love or care about them can really turn a life around and make a huge difference in someone’s life, or even save a life. Hallmark Greeting Cards makes millions off this fact, and there are a million songs written as well on this fact. Stevie Wonders “I just called to say I loved you” comes to mind, amongst many others.

Had the people that showed they cared in my life not have shown it when they did, I may have felt isolated and alone as my cousin did and hanged myself. The fact that a few people really showed they cared about me made a huge difference in my world. There are billions of people in the world, no one should ever feel that alone.

People need to feel other people care and they need to care about other people as well.   It gives people a reason to live knowing they are cared about and have others to care for.

People need to hear often that they are cared about. Too often it is taken for granted and people wait until it is too late.

The song by Simon and Garfunkel titled  “The Sounds Of Silence” “…a rock feels no pain and an island never cries.” When a person feels alone and as if no one cares they begin to feel void of their emotions to the point of becoming dead inside like a rock. They become increasingly more isolated and depressed, unable to live life. They become like a rock on an island,  unable to get in  touch with their emotions and unable to feel their emotions.

In another study reported in the Scientific American, June of 2008, researcher Steven Cole of the University of California L.A. reported that people that suffer from chronic loneliness actually show a change in their gene activity which could predispose them to all sorts of illness from a simple cold to deadly cancer.

Too often people assume the other person knows how they feel. Too often it is left unsaid. Too often it is said too late.

Tell someone you love and care about them today.  If you find it difficult to get in touch with your emotions for one reason or another, hypnosis can help you get unstuck, so you can once again  begin to feel the emotions that are so vital to one’s life.   For it is when we can feel our emotions that we can feel empathy for another which is the basis of all fulfilling relationships.

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