It was about one year ago that I met Suzanne. I had just fired my last therapist in a series of at least 12 over a thirty year period. The very last therapist I saw suggested I see a psychiatric nurse for possibly a new med, one that I maybe hadn’t tried yet. You see for over thirty years I had been depressed, not really wanting to live, not really wanting to die. It was like being suspended in purgatory-(compared to being in heaven now.) Heck I was so depressed that even thinking of killing myself I was afraid would even be worse-I’d have to come back to life and start over the same life or even the after life would be as bad or worse. I saw the psychiatric nurse for 3 visits of 10 minutes or so at a time. The second and last visit she urged me to go in-patient which I was adamantly opposed to. On the last visit she stepped out of the office and left me sitting there. She told me she’d be right back. I thought she was getting a new meds sample for me to try. After a few minutes, she did not return I thought maybe she was in the ladies room. After about 5 minutes I started to wonder and get all nervous and anxious, never dreaming she would come back with 2 EMT’s and 2 policemen. I was shocked, than feelings of betrayal and anger came over me.
I was as honest as I could be with her-I had trusted her with my feelings. She had asked me if I had thoughts of suicide, what very depressed person hasn’t? But I never ever said I was planning on following thru and actually doing anything to harm myself, I just constantly thought about it. Had she asked I would have further told her I had no plans I only had thoughts and I would have signed a contract stating I wouldn’t harm myself physically, but she never gave me enough time to explain. Not only had she betrayed me and lied to me but I was then informed that I had to go with them to the hospital or they would have to arrest me. So that day around 3 PM I had my first and last ambulance ride to the hospital. I ended up spending 8 hours seeing different doctors and nurses, each one saying to me they did not understand why I was there. They all agreed I was very depressed, however not actively suicidal. I had to wait several hours for one shrink to come from another hospital and then finally saw the last doctor who told me-although I did seem extremely depressed there was no need for admission in his and all the other doctors opinion and he told me he was going to let me go home. He wished me good luck, told me to not hesitate to call or come back if I felt I needed to and then he said to me ”You know when life hands you lemons you can either make lemonade or feel sorry for yourself.”
I had to pay for a cab at 12 AM to take me back to my car which was at the psychiatric nurse’s office several miles away, so I could drive myself home, and I was exhausted. I got home around 1 AM and actually went to work the next morning at 6 AM. Now not to put total blame on that last psych. nurse who tried to commit me because I did tell her I felt suicidal. I always felt suicidal. I always wished I were dead, and always thought about ending it-but if you know or understand anything about depression-you kind of want to not feel the way you feel so it only goes without saying one thinks about death and all. But I had no previous attempts, no definite plan, and was simply so depressed that yes I constantly thought of suicide as a way of stopping the pain.
In fact I abused drugs and alcohol on a daily basis to numb the pain from the age of 19 to 39. I even experimented with cutting myself because I had seen a movie on the Lifetime Cable Network channel-how sick is that-that showed and explained how when one cuts themselves it takes the focus off the depression pain.
At age 39 I was able to get clean because I was admitted to the MGH acute trauma unit with a bleeding ulcer from all the drug use. Even 8 Percocet at a time could not drive out the pain, because as soon as I landed from the high I was even more depressed-go figure my drug of choice was even a downer-I couldn’t do anything right! I did stay clean for nearly 15 years but picked up again about 2 months prior to calling Suzanne. The next day after I came back from the last therapist I saw I said to myself there has to be a better way. I got on the internet and searched for help. Somehow I found Suzanne’s website-Dawning Visions Hypnosis and started to look at and read all the testimonials on it. For the first time in a very long time I felt some hope.
I ended up calling a day or so later and left her a message. She called me right back and set up a time for us to really talk. We talked over the phone and I told her I had started drinking again and doing drugs and was scared I would not be able to control it. I was a very depressed addict. I told her about the life long depression, and that I was hopeful that just she could maybe help. She spent about an hour on the phone with me and then said she’d see me. Well that was about a year ago and I am “depression free” for the first time in over 30 years, off my medication with no intentions of ever needing them again. I haven’t touched alcohol or drugs and more importantly have absolutely no desire to and I live with 2 active addicts. I have learned and accomplished so much with Suzanne’s help and guidance. She helped me do the things I needed to do and to realize these labels I was given such as “addict” and “depressed” were just labels, that if I chose they did not have to apply to me any longer. She has helped me more than all the therapists in the thirty years combined and all the medication I took. And more importantly I do not feel the need for any more therapy. Isn’t it interesting how all my therapists kept telling me I’d always feel depressed and always need meds, Keep on coming back now!
Being a scientist by profession I bought into that-chemical imbalance, hereditary and all. And although there is truth to those theories of biochemical imbalance and hereditary what I didn’t know or realize or understand is the unconscious mind can override all that. It is truly amazing how it all works. How Suzanne spent 4 and 5 hours at a time with me -and always totally gave me her undivided attention. All my previous therapists would take phone calls and after 55 minutes time was up no matter what. With my all my other therapists I could also “get away with not doing the work”, even if I could do what I needed to. With Suzanne doing the work was so much easier because she took the time to “clear” everything that was preventing me from doing so, not to mention she never let up until the things that needed to get accomplished were accomplished.
All my previous therapists would never remember from week to week what I said, so I would never have to follow thru-even though these therapists wrote everything I said down, or were they just doing crossword puzzles, I wonder. Suzanne didn’t sit there writing, and she always would remember what we discussed. She would make me responsible for writing down what needed to be done before our next session and then hold me accountable for it the next-and so I had no choice but to follow thru even when it was hard and I felt I couldn’t.
I am so happy in my life that I actually told Suzanne you know I feel you really under-charged me for all you have done and all the time you have spent that I want to pay you more-in fact no matter how much I do pay her it no where near comes close to paying her for what she has done for me. And I am not a rich person-I work a full time and part time job to get by. But how does one put a price on getting one’s life back?
I want to stand outside my previous therapists offices and tell everyone-there is a quicker, better and most important a more conclusive way. Seeing Suzanne is a solution based therapy and there is and can be an ending to whatever it is you want to accomplish.
But as Suzanne says you have to want to do whatever it takes. But I can guarantee you this – if you really want it-no matter what – Suzanne will help you to get it, and more importantly keep it.
Donna reports sustained success thanks to her relationship with Suzanne. Click here to read an update
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