Vol. 160, August 3, 2012
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine recently about the pros and cons of dating and being in a serious relationship. We are both over 40 years old and have vastly different views of this issue. We are both self-employed people and given the expense of things these days, making it on our own is more difficult than it once was.
My friend has the notion that her life would be made so much better if she could find a like-minded man with whom to share her life. Someone who could respect her for all the great things she has to offer while giving her a respite from the financial ups and downs that the self-employed deal with on a regular basis. She is also someone who would very much love to have her own home with a white picket fence including a garden and a dog and a cat. Being in her 40’s having children is no longer something that she desires.
For me, I have come out of a 20+ year marriage, childless by choice. I thought for a long time that the best way for me to deal with my own financial ups and downs was to marry a person with similar values sharing the expenses by living together. It would also be nice to have a companion with which to do things.
After reaching inside myself after being in the dating game on and off for the past 4 years, I decided that this really wasn’t what I desired – not by a long shot. Why? Well, there are many reasons the first and the foremost is because I enjoy having my own space be mine without worrying about when my significant other may need to use the bathroom during my long baths, or having the television on till all hours when I care nothing for the content so don’t watch it myself. However, the biggest reason is because I am a free spirit and as such it is hard for me to stay in one place for very long. I love my trips and adventures never knowing where I may be going next. The opportunities show up and I take them.
My friend is also a well traveled woman having been to Africa and Europe many times. However, she doesn’t see this as something that may be a difficulty with a significant other. I have found through my marriage that this was indeed one of the reasons my ex decided that he wanted out. He wasn’t interested in the trips I was taking and felt lonely while I was gone doing my trainings. It is interesting to note that his current spouse travels quite often and he sometimes goes with her sharing her interests more than he ever did mine.
Though the above may matter to some extent there is something that is a bit more important that I share with my clients who are looking to have meaningful relationships with a significant other. This would be the fact that it is really up to us to fulfill our own lives first without the need to have someone to do it for us. The reason for this is simple. Until we are complete as we are, it will be quite impossible for a partner to fill that part of us. You see, one cannot expect another to fulfill us. That is too high a standard to place on a relationship. The other can merely reflect those aspects of ourselves to help us grow as we are already whole and complete as individuals.
With my own challenges still in front of me, until I get them under control, it isn’t fair to expect another to come and “save” me from myself. I need to be the sort of person that I would be looking for in a relationship before I am even ready to find a relationship that would be worth having.
I say this quite sincerely because many woman (and even men) believe that if they could only find “the one” that all would be wonderful. The reality of the situation is that this is not true. How do we know? Look at the divorce statistics of over 50% of marriages failing. I would have to say this is because too many people are falling in love with the idea of having someone to have as a financial engine instead of relying on one’s self. Too many people are looking for another to help raise kids that they brought into the world with someone else which has many more layers of complexities involved.
I would ask you to think about your life and how you feel about it, separate from anyone who you may find it easier to share it with. Think about what it is that you really desire in a mate that you would find attractive and then set yourself up to be that person no matter what it takes. It is only when this is achieved that a loving and equal relationship can be formed. By achieving this goal, you will be in a much better place to attract someone who is worthy of being your partner in life and someone with whom the endless work of being in relationship would be worthwhile.
If you have any issues especially regarding unconscious patterns that keep you in negative relationships, do yourself a favor and reach out for some help. A hypnotist can help you to better understand the repeating patterns and why it is that you create them. Once this is understood you can learn how to de-create those negative aspects of your relationships going forward. Add to that learning some basic communication skills so that it will be much easier for you to relate with the special person who you may find entering your life when you least expect it.
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