How Do You Know Your Relationship Is Healthy? -Vol. 279, October 2, 2014
It is important to have an understanding of what the words “love,” “in love,” and “chemistry” mean in terms of being in “relationship,” because these feelings have very different roles in our lives. Love, really is the emotion of resonating with another, wanting to be supportive of and helpful to another in ways that the other would liked to be helped, as well as sharing the “hard to hear” observations. Love is about deep friendship, shared interests, and most importantly usually values and beliefs. When one loves another they are there through thick and thin never making excuses why it is that they couldn’t be relied on when needed. There is never any jealousy, no comparisons and no one up-manship, because friends care so much about one another they accept each for who they are without that sort of mental depreciation toward another.
Being “in love” means that you love the other which includes all of the above plus you feel a special chemistry that makes you desire the other especially when away from one another – you “long for one another.” On top of that you build one another up, and do special gestures for one another to help the other feel, “special.” This is not done because it is expected, it is done because one feels, “moved to do so” the caring being that deep.
Now, there is this thing called “chemistry” that can be very confusing for many people, because they confuse the feeling of “chemistry” for that of being “in love” when nothing could be further from the truth. Chemistry can be present – the attraction on a physical level. However, one can become chemically attracted to another that is the worst person for them. Perhaps that person is disrespectful or hurtful in some way. This is where many abusive relationships happen because the person confuses “chemistry” with being “in love” and as such allows the abusive partner to get away with much that a person with better self-esteem would never allow to occur, or if it did occur would end the relationship.
Now here is an exercise that you can do to better understand if your relationship is healthy:
First go deeply inside yourself and ask you heart what it needs to feel love and supported in a primary relationship?
Next, ask your heart if it is being so supported in the relationship that you are now involved?
If it is finding areas in which it is not being supported, you need to ask your heart: What needs to change for it to feel supported?
Lastly, you need to ask your heart if you feel that this is something that your partner can do inside the relationship with you? Be brutally honest in that assessment.
If one of the partners comes to the conclusion that the relationship isn’t working, then the relationship isn’t working and needs to be reassessed from where it currently is. No one can say they love a person by guilting another into staying in a relationship that isn’t healthy for them. To love another, is to respect their needs. In so doing, you will most likely find that it is best for you to move on as well for your basic needs are no longer being truly taken care of in this current relationship. If they were, than your partner would not be asking to move on.
On the other hand, there are relationships that last for life times. These are available to people who unconditionally love and adore their partners, being there in any way they can to be supportive and loving, showing love and interests in what they are doing with their lives. There is a healthy interdependence where each is a complete person in his/her own right, and is complimented by their partner.
For one to achieve this sort of relationship one needs to become the person that they want to be in relationship with, never taking the other for granted, while understanding the human frailties we all experience. However, the best way to know that you have a relationship of this sort is to know that your partners idiosyncrasies are what make them endearing to you. Because to tell you the truth we all have them and they are the aspects of your partner that you will most miss once they are gone.
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